How to escape a controlling, paranoid, and abusive spouse

Are you in a marriage where your spouse: Thinks you are "out to get him/her"? Thinks you are cheating on him/her? Thinks you can't do anything right. ..EVER? Abuses you, your children, pets, etc daily? Tells you that you can never please him/her? Scares you to the point where you are afraid of his/her hurtful words even? Is toxic ... he/she is causing you to be physically sick ?(Ulcers, digestive problems, emotional distress, etc.) Causes you to have to take a nerve pill when he/she gets home from work? Has selective hearing? Is selfish ... makes you borrow money from him or her? Has cheated on you? Narrows your social life down to just the people in his life? Makes all the decisions without any regard to your feelings? Laughs only when your upset and shows upset when you're happy? Doesn't want you going anywhere without him/her? Doesn't allow you to have time to yourself with out him/her in your home? Starves you of any compliments? Refuses to help you? Tries to make you feel guilty for his/her failures? Tells you it's his/her home not yours? Stalks you? Are you wanting to leave..but you feel it's impossible? I will walk you through the steps to get out.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• More patience
• To give yourself time to prepare
• Strength

1. First of all, don't think you will be ok going to a friend's house or a family member's house to live while you end your marriage, for many reasons .... this wont work. I will tell you why as we go along.
2. Document any events that will help in court. As you are "toying" with the notion of getting out, get a-hold of a notebook and begin to document every bit of abuse with you and your children from your spouse that you can gather. This way you will have it when you finally "get your belly full" and end up in court later.
3. You will need photographs, tape recordings, and/or videos, receipts, bills, notes written, things said (Dates, time, etc). Don't depend on witnesses. Any means of proof possible. -Oh and don't feel guilty about this because chances are your spouse had already been recording your phone calls at some point, and monitoring you -out of his/her paranoia anyway! Just keep in mind this is for all of the suffering you are going to save yourself from. .........TRUST ME!
4. When you take photographs, make sure you do it inconspicuously . Try not to give away what you are photographing. Chances are he/she will be right there when you do it because they are ALWAYS with you. Even when you don't know they are. (Little confused, naive, and misled eyes and ears are watching and listening as well.)
5. Make sure you hide everything where there is absolutely NO chance of anything getting found. If you have to throw something away you don't want your spouse to find as she or he looks, put it in something discusting that you know your spouse wont touch. Men won't usually touch a used diaper.
6. Don't trust anyone. At some point you are going to ask yourself, am I just being paranoid too? Follow your instincts! If you're asking yourself something that you didn't before, you are probably right. Many people find that they have been sleeping with a total stranger for years and it's mainly because they gave them too much credit to begin with.
7. Be cautious: Depending on the severity of his/her paranoia, your phone could be tapped, your things could be searched through, your speedometer could be monitored, your neighbors could be watching you for him/her, your own children could be told the same, your own friends and family could be in on his lies that he tells to ease his own mind. This is why it's not safe to make plans with anyone.
8. This is a do-it-yourself deal. You got yourself into this .... now you have got to get yourself out ... safely - the smart way. If you depend on friends and family, he/she can rip your home right out from underneath you just to get the kids back. If at some point you begin to need to see a counselor, give him/her some other reason why you need to go such as your panic or anxiety attacks. He/she will support this because they want to keep their "play toy" from breaking. The fact is they need you because he/she knows it's not easy to find someone who has the patience you have had to put up with them.
9. Continue to document and live life as usual. You will have your good days and your days where you are ready to "power-pack" your things and be out the door in 2 seconds. DONT! You're not ready. Find a way to become financially stable so you will be able to live without this person if you're not already. If you're not working, he/she will have red flags go up here. This is where you can say "I want to do my part"! or "I want us to be able afford to do more together".
10. If you have small children, set it up where you will have a babysitter you can trust. One that isn't tainted by him/her, this way you can still depend on them after the escape. Plan way ahead before you go!!!!!!!! .
11. Any phone you use for conversations you don't want heard, go to a pay phone. Make sure you have a logical excuse for using a payphone just incase one of his/her little spies sees you
12. Understand that chances are, your spouse lies to your children to include them in on his/her problems. Don't talk to your children about anything. Don't ask questions. It will only lead back to the spouse unintentionally and it will give the spouse "heads up". Only spend quality time with your children and show them you're not the monster that your spouse is creating in their eyes. Don't bash the other parent. But be protective of your children against your spouse.
13. As time gets closer to leave, begin by getting your most cherished tangible possessions out of the house somewhere safe. Hopefully into your new apartment, etc. These are the things he/she will destroy out of spite after you leave. Leave the things you can do without. Gradually take your things needed for your new life. Some cherished things you might have: Old videos of loved ones who have died, your children's baby books, photo albums he or she doesn't care about, family heirlooms, etc.
14. When he or she leaves for the day, pack the rest of your things and run! Run and don't look back! You are going to explode with the best feeling you have ever had in your life on the day you drive away from that house! You will feel what the word FREEDOM is for the very first time! There is no way on earth I can describe it to you. You will spend the rest of the day on cloud 9! Don't leave a note! He/She will only take it to court with him/her.
15. Watch out for the people who appear to want to help. BE PREPARED FOR CONTACT. Everything that comes from your mouth from this point on to him/her or anyone WILL be held against you in court. BE CAREFUL!!!!!! Give out as little information to your friends and family as possible. They will seem supportive but DO NOT TRUST IT....I know this sounds paranoid...but you are dealing with the paranoid spouse, so for a while, you have to think like one just to defeat it. Even the ones you know you can trust can get things twisted up accidentally and cause an avalanche of problems to slide under your feet with your deceitful spouse.
16. The divorce procedure is something you are going to have to begin yourself. It's best to initiate it. This shows that you were the one that was 'Offended' out of the marriage..and the judge will see him/her as the 'bad guy'. (It always works like that.) You can go in PRO SE or you can go to legal Aid and try to get help there. Just go! FAST! Make them listen!
17. During this time you will have to deal with your spouse with the kids. Record all phone conversations. (Check the laws of your state.) My advice is to meet in a public place only for visitations. NEVER ALONE! Never at a family member's home. Public! It wouldn't hurt to take someone with you. Approx 2 1/2 hours every 3 days or so would do fine. This way he/she can't say you didn't let them visit and you don't have to worry about the spouse taking the children from you. You would have to fight to get them back in court. Document each visit.(Time, Date, What went on)
18. During this visitation time your spouse is going to beg you to come back. Keep your cool and credibility. Let them know that the visitation will end abruptly if he/she continues. Also suggest that he/she get mental help. If he/she does get help or says they are, document it! This shows he/she is admitting there is some mental problems. Remember this is only a temporary visitation setup.
19. Be there for your children. Remember don't bash the other parent to your children. Your children is going to go through an extremely difficult time. Hold each other together and let them know things are just beginning to improve, but they will always have the other parent.

Tips & Warnings

• "My spouse and I divorced over religious reasons. He/she thought they was God and I didn't."
• If you and your children are being beaten, I would suggest grabbing them and heading to a women's shelter.
• ABSOLUTELY DO NOT FEEL ONE BIT OF REMORSE FOR THIS PERSON UPON LEAVING. He/She is going to come after you with a vengeance in court!
• This is when you will find out who your true friends and family are. Be strong. This is a good thing.
• Unfortunately the person that you have been living with isn't going to just diminish after divorce. He/She is going to continue their controlling efforts through the children to get to you for a time to come either by custody battles or other ways. Stay strong and continue to document to protect yourselves.
• Remember: THERE IS NO NICE WAY TO LEAVE SOMEONE LIKE THIS. They aren't in a marriage for love, they are in it for control. This person will attempt to crush you regardless.