How to Fake Symptoms of Being Sick

Getting sick, such as faking an illness, starts with the basics of symptomatology.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Fake the fever with lye soap. Place a bar of lye soap (available at your local grocery) under your armpit. Hold it there for about 3 minutes prior to taking your oral temperature. It should raise your temperature (temporarily) about 5-6 degrees.
2. Fake your nausea. Take very cold water and wet the back of your neck and the top of your head. Hot water should be used for your face and the front of your neck.
3. Fake your stomach churning. Take 1/2 teaspoon Epson Salt in 4-8 oz. water. This gets the stomach churning enough to have you high-stepping to the bathroom
4. If whoever you are trying to fool doesn't believe you by then, just complain of "lower back pain," which is almost never provable (one way or the other).
5. If your parents are prone to putting their hands on your face to check temperature, rub your hands quickly and repeatedly against your face. The friction will rise your temperature and give your face a flushed and red look.
6. Hide the thermometer, and rub your hands on your forehead, so all your parents can rely on is how warm your forehead is
7. Scream at the top of your lungs when no ones home and get your throat sore.
8. hold the thermometer under a light or inbetween your fingertips and squeeze really hrd to raise the temp on the thermometer

Tips & Warnings

• Lick your hands to create that "clammy" feel.
• Complaining that your stomach hurts isn't provable.
• Use a heating pad against your face to make it feel hotter.
• Snort water up your nose to give the effect of a cold as your sinuses swell up. This does not last long.
• Try Being Moody, This Always Works!
• Use Reverse Phsycology. Like "I need to go to school today!"
• Stay up late and fake real well that you are coughing or sneezing parents come in to check on you so if they hear sneezing or coughing they are bound to let you stay home
• Consider that faking illness as a way of getting out of doing something (school, chores) is only a temporary solution. It might work once, but the "something" you are avoiding may not go away, and you can't fake anything forever.
• Remember the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Fake anything enough and you'll get caught. Get caught and no one will believe you when you really are sick.
• Do not use the lye soap if you are allergic to soap, lye, or sensitive to bleaches of any kind.
• Do not use the Epson Salt if you are on medication of any kind, or have stomach ulcers, or are on dialysis, or have an aversion to salt.
• Don't use the "lower back pain" excuse if you have scoliosis, otherwise your parents will think you need surgery. (This is especially true if you already have a back brace for it.)
• Don't hit your uvula! It will cause you to throw up, and it can become an eating disorder!
• Rubbing your hands on your face may make your face hurt for a while