How to Convince a Roommate to Change the TV Channel

Convincing your roommate to change the channel or give up the remote when they're already happily viewing their own program of choice is often like trying to persuade a hysterical, die-hard Yankee's fan to consider rooting for The Dodgers. It's a pride swallowing siege that requires animal like instincts and the patience of a spider. And the knowledge of only having but a few commercial breaks to convince your roommate to change the channel raises the stakes considerably. Here's help to guide you into the glory of program victory within 2 commercial breaks! Happy clicking.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

1. Approach the viewing area, positioning yourself as close to the remote as possible. Do this slowly, as a cheetah might approach it's prey, or the late Steve Irwin might have approached a crocodile. Avoid eye contact at all costs. The most crucial thing to remember when approaching your already in control of the television, "Two and a Half Men" watching roommate, is not to seem too desperate. People can smell desperation like sharks can smell blood, so your best bet is to come in under the radar.
2. Patiently wait until the first commercial break to speak. This will demonstrate respect for them, and for their show. Your goal during this commercial break is to build rapport with your roommate. Again, don't be too desperate. Start by casually asking them how their day was, or tell them you like their shirt that says, "I'm king of the remote!" It's important to pretend to listen intently to their response, even if it's a grunt, or, if all you can think about is the better show you're currently missing. Fake your interest by nodding often, and make lots of approving "mmm hmm" sounds. You might even throw a few excited exclamations like, "That's great!" Or, "Neato!"
3. Pretend to feign interest in what your roommate is currently watching when the program returns. You might say, "I really love this show, don't you?" Then wait for a response and smile at your roommate. Read her body language. If you think she buys your shallow attempt to connect, keep going, but leave enough time (5 to 10 seconds) in between comments about the show, as to not appear too eager. It helps if you've seen the show before, as you can then recall your awarness of funny, earlier episodes. Looking up funny quotes online while waiting for the next commercial break is another much more advanced tactic. These quotes give you more credibility, and help you connect through laughter, showing your roommate you think the same things are funny, thus enforcing a stronger bond that will inch you closer to your end goal. It's important to keep that in mind. Again, this is an advanced move and it's important not to let your phony laugh reveal your intent or allow you to veer from the path leading to better jokes in your show.
4. Use the second commercial break to continue the flattery and rapport building while beginning your final decent into attack mode. You are now going for the kill. Here is where you will use a little psychological trick I like to call "convincing your roommate that it is their idea to change the channel." There are many different ways to do this. Flattery that caters to their impeccable taste works well. For example, "You always know everything there is to know about the best shows on TV! You have great taste. We were all (name some mutual friends here, or, if you know someone who they have a crush on, use their name for your cause, it gives your compliment credibility and boosts their ego even more,) talking about how smart you are and how much we value your opinion the other day." If you'd like, you can follow this by stating how lucky you are to be their roommate, because you get their wonderful opinion all the time, and your poor friends only sometimes!
5. By now, your roommate should be eating out of the palms of your hands and you should have no problem asking them for their opinion on your show that, ironically, just "happens" to be on at the same time! You might say, "You know that show (insert here)? I'm having a hard time deciding if it's good or not. I know we're enjoying this great show right now, but would you mind flipping to (insert show here) and giving me your expert opinion? I would really, really appreciate your smart and much needed input." Remember to present this as a question and also as a desperate need of their services. If you can genuinely act like you need them, and that they are the most intelligent, most wonderful judge of television programming ever, you'll be watching your program in no time at all, and what's even better, so will your roommate!

Tips & Warnings

• Using the advanced tactic of looking up relevant quotes pertaining to your roommates' choice of show can also be used at a later date, say when you owe your roommate a huge favor because you ate the last of her peanut butter again, and, (against your will,) are forced to attend their annual holiday office party. The rented out hotel conference center decorated with cheap garland and strings of sharp holly will be crawling with "her type of people," who will, inevitably, have the same terrible TV show taste. With these quotes in your back pocket, you'll save yourself from boredom and you'll be the hit of the party!
• If, after following the above steps, your roommate still won't budge:
• Don't bother going to law school.
• Revert to a child like tantrum until they are so shocked and scared they leave the room entirely.
• Use passive aggressive behavior to make them feel like less of a person. You may not get to watch your show, but at least you'll get back at your roommate for being a selfish, remote hogging jerk. You might try, "No, it's cool, just hog the TV EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE! No one likes someone who shares anyway." Then walk out of the room, and try calling another friend who might let you come over and borrow their TV for a few hours.
• If you still have problems, or your roommate just won't budge, or your acting skills just aren't up to speed, try getting a television recording device that allows you to pre-record programing and watch it whenever you want.