How to Small Talk

Trite, predictable and full of awkward pauses and stumbles, small talk is universally one of the most loathed social customs. I mean think of it, have you ever heard a person exclaim, “I’m so excited to go out and small talk this weekend?” For those of us who would rather be at home silently working on art projects or curled up with a book, the thought of making small talk can cause earthquakes of anxiety to jar our nerves. The bad news is, small talk is here to stay. The good news is that with a little practice small talk can become bearable. Dare I even say, enjoyable? If you do it right you will come away having learned something and maybe even made a new friend.

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

1. Approach small talk as a game. A fun game. An easy game. A game that you actually like playing. It’s not like you’re a presidential candidate delivering a stump speech. It’s not like you’re in the boardroom telling Donald Trump why you should be the next apprentice. This is a game where everyone wins, so lighten up, dive in and have fun.

2. Put on your detective’s hat. Instead of nodding in dishonest agreement as your eyes roll back into your head with life-sucking boredom as the guy across from you drones on about the improvements he would make to the latest Mac operating system if we were in charge of things, make it your mission to discover at least two things that genuinely interest you about him. Every person on this planet will have had least two things to say that you find interesting. If you can’t find those two things you’re either: 1) asking the wrong questions or 2) being close-minded.

3. Avoid the expected questions. Challenge yourself to carry on a conversation without asking any of the standard small talk questions. The ones to avoid are: What do you do for a living? Where do you live? Do you have children? Are you dating anybody? Do you come here often? What’s your sign?

4. Get creative. A guy at a holiday event I once attended asked me, “What do you hope Santa brings you this year?” I told him I wanted a pair of knit gloves that went past my elbows. Our conversation moved from gloves to opera to Edwardian fashions to bicycles to Albert Einstein’s theory of relativity. Ask a creative question and you will be led down the path of a creative conversation.

5. Prepare before you go. If you know you will be in a place where you will be doing a lot of small talk and you know that chitchat isn’t your specialty, make a mental list of topics that you enjoy discussing. Create questions around these topics. For example, I love food and am always curious to know what people are cooking and eating. I might ask a woman I’m speaking to what she ate for breakfast. Is this her typical breakfast? What is the best breakfast she ever ate? Or I might ask a man if he likes to cook or where he most recently ate out. Then I might share a funny cooking story of my own or gush about the delicious meal I recently ate at a new restaurant.

6. Trust that your words are worthy and you do have valuable ideas to bring to the table. For many of us small talk is so painful because we believe we aren’t smart enough or witty enough. You don’t have to be an extraordinary performer to carry on a conversation. You just need to keep your heart open--both to the other person and to yourself.

7. Give and take. A conversation of small talk should have each party talking and listening in equal amounts. If you’re doing most of the talking, put your detective’s hat back on and encourage the other person to share something interesting.

8. Let awkwardness arise. Awkward pauses are part of getting-to-know-you banter. Don’t pressure yourself to fill every silence. Sometimes it’s okay to not say anything at all.

9. Exit gracefully. If the awkward silence gives way to an obvious dead end, it’s time to move on, but not before thanking the other person for the conversation. Look him in the eye, shake his hand, say, “It was nice talking to you.”

[jojomanjman]

on 6/15/2009 I never seem to have a problem in this category, but you really do know how to paint a picture of what someone should do if they have issues over small talk. Also there are now some new things for me to try. Thank You

[amylaine]

on 4/28/2008 Great info, this is a thing that I need to work on. It is so much easier to do online then off line.

[MidniteWriter]

on 4/14/2008 I hate the awkward stage as I call it. But if you're willing to go through it, so many better things await on the other side. Who knows, you might even make a friend!

[Elitchka]

on 12/16/2007 Very good tips! People need to learn to communicate more naturally. And as you show: very intelligent talk at the same time. Thank you for this wonderful article.

[grouch]

on 12/15/2007 Wonderful information. Talking is a game but there is much to be said about being confortable with silence.