How to Steal an Egg From a Chicken

Let's face it. Most of us will never set foot in a hen house, much less steal an egg from a chicken. But it's one of those skills that may come in handy just the same. You never know when you'll be stranded and penniless, with only a raw egg to sustain you, right? In a survival situation, you have to do what you have to do. Read on to learn how to steal an egg from a chicken.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

1. Know what you're dealing with. Beware of evil chickens.
2. Eyeball the chicken. Let it know that you know that it knows that you know that it knows that you're there. As long as you maintain eye contact, the chicken will remain transfixed to the spot. Do not break eye contact, no matter what you do. If you must blink, be prepared to dive for cover.
3. Approach with caution. Pretend you're creeping up on a weapon. (There could be one underneath the roost—anything is possible.) Don't make any loud noises or sudden moves as you approach the chicken and egg. One wrong move and the evil chicken will call for reinforcements. If that chicken squawks in an air strike, you're doomed.
4. Reach delicately beneath the chicken's nether regions. Remember to keep eye contact with your foe. She's likely to begin fluffing her feathers and clucking in an annoyed fashion, but don't be dissuaded. The egg is your target; feel around until you can grasp it.
5. Extricate the egg and back slowly out of the coop. If the evil chicken launches an attack, turn tail and run through the exit, slamming the door behind you. Get through the gate and out of the pen as quickly as possible to avoid an enemy counter-strike.

Tips & Warnings

• You may think this is a funny chicken story, but heed my words. Beware the evil chicken hoards and their scary military regime.