How to talk to your children about separation and divorce

Child custody, visitation, division of assets... Divorce proceedings, no matter how amicable, will take their toll on you mentally, physically and emotionally. It's quite easy to let yourself become wrapped up and forget about the toll it's taken on the family you and your soon-to-be-ex created. In many ways, telling them is even tougher than choosing to end your marriage, but nonetheless it must be done, but how?

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Time
• Honesty
• Patience
• Compassion
• Openness

1. Prepare yourself. Ask your ex to sit down with you so you can have a chat about the fine details of your divorce when it comes to the kids. Explain that the kids must be told and you're aware that they will ask questions. Between the two of you, you must determine the answers.
   
   Run through how it will be explained including: why your marriage ended; how visitation will happen; when the kids' first visit to the non-resident parent will be and how you will deal with future decisions for kids. This may be difficult if you and your former spouse have lawyers arguing over the children. It may be best to leave it until the finer details are worked out if this is the case.

2. When to tell them? The sooner the better is the best option, but always make sure that they're told at least a few days before one spouse moves out.
   
   Plan a large block of time for both of you to spend with the kids after your talk or at least be around to field their questions as I am sure there will be many.
   
   While it might sound obvious, don't break the news on a holiday such as Christmas or on/just before a child's birthday. The last thing you need is for your child's special days to be ruined by this news.

3. Where to tell them? Keep the discussion at home in a family space. It will allow all of you a chance to grieve in privacy while giving the child the chance to retreat safely to a bedroom afterwards if they need time alone.

4. Who should be there? Ideally you and your ex should put your differences aside and jointly break the news to the children. Presenting a united front at this tough time will remind the children that while you aren't together in marriage, you're together for them.
   
   Make sure all children are present, regardless of age. Just because Susie is 18 months old doesn't mean she should not hear the news. Perhaps the news will need to be relayed a bit more clearly, but she'll feel the upheaval just as much as an older child.

5. Honesty is key, however resist the urge to bad mouth, get over emotional or argue with your soon to be ex in front of the children. Despite you audience of children, refrain from childlike behaviour and try to put on a united front.
   
   Many children complain following a divorce that they never understood why their parents split up. Save them years of wondering why by keeping it honest. It could save your kids begging for a reconciliation if they understand the circumstances of the split.
   
   In my case, I sat down my then 2-year-old and explained that while Daddy and I loved each other, he met someone else who he loved more. Yes, it takes great composure to pull that one off without name calling. However, if you want your child to develop a good relationship with their parent you have to keep your anger and resentment bottled up in their prescence.

6. Reassure your children that this divorce is about the relationship between their parents and they are by no means to blame. Being honest about your split will limit your child's guilt.
   
   Many kids suspect that it was something they did or said that caused the rift. Having a parent moved out can be the ultimate punishment for a child, so remind them that you both still love them.

7. Make sure the kids know what to expect following the big move. Most importantly, tell them what day they will see the parent who is moving out next.
   
   Let them know things such as:
   -how often they will see the non-resident parent
   -whether they will have a room of their own or have to share rooms in their new home
   -what happens to family pets
   -whether their school will change

8. Be prepared for questions galore from the kids following the chat. They will most likely ask questions about where they will live, what happens when they get ill and whether they will see the parent who moves out.

9. Try to create a positive spin for the children. This might include mentioning the benefits of having two bedrooms. It's always worth mentioning, especially if your marriage was a volatile one, that the shouting will stop and both mommy and daddy will have more time to devote to the kids as a result.

Tips & Warnings

• Try to be around as much as you can for your children in the weeks/months following the divorce. They will need not only answers but love, compassion and support.

[evbaw2]

on 6/14/2009 Thanks for the great artice about talking to children about seperation and divorce. While I never thought I would be in this place, here I am after 20 years of marriage.