How to Lose the Office NCAA Basketball Pool

You’re never going to win the office basketball pool because you know some other guy with no life is sitting at home poring over multiple college basketball websites analyzing everything about every team, including the players’ shoe sizes. The best chance you’ve got to win some of your money back is by finishing last and taking home a consolation prize.

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• NCAA Tournament bracket

1. Select winners for your office pool based on team colors. Nobody likes a dull uniform. The cream and crimson of Indiana has no punch compared to the purple and gold of Louisiana State. Use this method to ensure that you’ll need sunglasses to watch the championship game you pick between, say, Hawaii (green, black, silver and white) and Oregon (especially if the Ducks wear the all-yellow unis that make them look like human highlighting markers).

2. Pick teams to win based on who has the coolest mascot. No Bulldogs or Wildcats here. You’re looking for teams with mascots like Sycamores (Indiana State), Lobos (New Mexico) and Retrievers (Maryland-Baltimore).

3. Use team records to decide who will win--in reverse. Always pick the team with the fewest wins or the most losses. This will give you a battle between two crappy teams with records like 19-16 and 18-14 for the championship. Consider picking one of the play-in game winners to advance to the final game against the worst team you can find on the other side of the bracket.

4. Choose winners based on the alphabet. Take your pick: go with teams who come first alphabetically, or those that come last alphabetically. How about an Albany-Alabama match-up for the championship? Or maybe Xavier versus Youngstown State.

5. If all else fails, give your office basketball pool bracket to your girlfriend to fill out.

Tips & Warnings

• Throw a wrench into any of Steps 1 through 4 by alternating decisions between rounds. For example, in Step 4, pick all teams that come first alphabetically in the first round; pick all teams that come last alphabetically in the second round. Keep alternating the process each round. We’ll all look forward to that Maine-Marist match-up in the title game.
• Do not pick winners based solely on conference affiliation. With teams from the so-called “power conferences” regularly choking against mid-majors such as Southern Illinois, George Mason and Butler, that plan could easily backfire and you might find yourself with office bragging rights for a year.