How to Forgive Someone You Love

Most people believe that forgiveness is essential to mental health. We often hear that it is important to let go of the anger and forgive. Although most of the time this is good advise, there may be times where this isn't so! Thinking about the value of the relationship, and the importance of the person in your life may be a guiding post to help you decide whether or not to forgive.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

• An Open Mind
• Self-awareness
• Assertiveness
• Confidence in yourself
• Self-Esteem
• Self-Worth

1. Forgiveness is a Choice--This means you can decide whether or not to forgive someone. The operative word here is, choice! Having choice allows us a sense of freedom. This may give us a feeling of control over our emotions, over our situation, and in some cases over the outcome. When we forget that we have a choice we leave ourselves open to feeling trapped which in some cases can lead to depression.
2. The issue of control--Generally, there is very little in life that we have control over. Many times, control is an illusion. People like to think they have control because it can make them feel safe. We attempt to control things in life to create security. Most of us do the best we can, but regardless things can happen that are beyond our control. This is also true of the people we love.
3. Forgiveness can't be bargained--Unconditional forgiveness means that we have come to accept the other person, their choice and the outcome without exception. Frequently there is a large gap between wanting to forgive someone and acceptance. Most people think of forgiveness as "black and white;" either you forgive me or you don't. Sometimes it isn't that simple, and the situation doesn't call for either/or.
4. Forgiveness is a process--Initially we may feel that pull between what we think logically, and what we feel emotionally! We can be split and say to ourselves, "I want to forgive him, but..."--or "I still love her, but I am so mad at her!" Next, we may go through the motions of saying the words, but not really feeling that we forgive.
5. Working through the anger--Recognizing that we are angry is an important step because it allows us to have a choice in the matter. Understanding our anger can open the door for communication and bring us toward intimacy. We need to ask ourselves if the anger is valid? We also need to decide whether the anger is reasonable and whether or not it is appropriate. Asking yourself what do you want to do about it, can help focus the anger so that we can motivate ourselves to make healthy choices. Using the anger for revenge is never acceptable!
6. Expectations of change--Forgiving someone because you expect them to change doesn't work. It is a set up for you and for them! On occasion, the person may decide to change, but that it their choice. You can't control their choice! Forgiving, just because you want them to change isn't really forgiveness, it is manipulation. The end result will be resentment for both parties.

Tips & Warnings

• Talk opening with your loved one about your feelings of anger and disappointment.
• Think about the personal consequences of forgiveness and make the healthiest choice that you can at the time.
• Recognize that you always have a choice, and that there are some situations in which you don't have to forgive.
• Forgiving too quickly because you think it is expected of you will short change you in the end.
• "People pleasing" has deep consequences and it isn't an honest representation of your feelings---You are worth more than that!