How to Forgive Someone You Love
Whether the pain is mental, physical or both, forgiving a loved one who has caused you distress can be a scary and often tiresome ordeal. Regardless, forgiving is a personal choice undertaken to help you grow and heal as a person -- not to help the other person or condone his actions. Once you understand how and why you hurt, and exactly why you need to forgive the other person, the act itself need not be particularly difficult or complicated.
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Instructions
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Take time to understand exactly how you feel about the situation, and how to articulate your feelings intelligently and calmly. Explain the situation to trusted, unbiased friends or colleagues. Doing so allows you to hear the circumstances out loud while getting to the heart of your true feelings for the person and about the situation.
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Decide whether or not forgiving the person will benefit you. Though it may sound selfish, forgiving the person is something you must do to feel better about yourself, not something you must do to ease the other's conscience or alleviate his guilt, regardless of how much you may love the individual.
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Practice what you will say on a trusted, unbiased friend, colleague, or loved one. This will help you to focus your mind on the situation, collect your thoughts, and avoid lashing out at the person.
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Avoid the idea of reconciliation or that forgiving the person will help you condone their actions. Forgiveness is about finding an inner peace within yourself and to otherwise heal the distress caused by hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical suffering -- not necessarily about the offense that caused the pain. Therefore, you must prepare yourself for a potentially adverse reaction from the other person, understanding that he may not want to reconcile.
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Practice stress management techniques to help you control the "fight or flight" response that may occur when you ultimately confront the person. Remain focused and calm, and remind yourself that you are seeking -- and deserving of -- a healthy, loving life. And forgiveness is a vital part of working toward that goal.
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Avoid accusatory phrases when confronting the person. As this is someone you love, approach the individual calmly and with a level head, so as not to burn bridges. Explain your side of the situation, and address your feelings as reasonably as possible. Let the person know that, even though he hurt you, you still love him and want him in your life.
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Listen to what the other person has to say, and try to understand his point of view -- regardless of how much his words may hurt you. There are always two sides to every situation, and there may be a point in his argument that you had failed to see earlier. Do not put a timetable on the conversation or the process of forgiveness itself.
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Accept the fact that, regardless of how much you love the person, he may not care that you are offering to forgive him. Do not take this personally. The goal is to feel better about yourself and to know you are doing the right thing.
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Focus on the positive, no matter how the situation ultimately ends. Even if the person finds fault in your forgiveness and no longer wants you in his life, you must focus on your own life and redirect the negative energy toward attaining your goals. Do not dwell on the situation, and endeavor to move forward.
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Amend your own story of the situation in your mind, to remind yourself that you did the right thing. Should the situation not resolve itself the way you had hoped, remember that you attempted to forgive the person and that to forgive is a noble action.
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