How to Be a Smoker and Date a Nonsmoker

Dating a non smoker who can't stand smoke? I LIVED WITH ONE for a year... needless to say the bastard KNEW I SMOKED WHEN WE MET! When he thought I quit, it WORKED!

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Over the counter breath pills
• Breath mints or gum
• Hand sanitizer
• Body spray
• USED dryer sheets
• Or body spray
• "Fabreeze"
• Air freshener
• Carpet deodorizer
• A toothbrush
• Toothpaste
• Or "Brush-ups"
• Mouthwash
• Flavored chapstick

1. Whether or not you want to deceive him/her is totally up to you, but guys, as smokers we all know WE STINK! So here's what I did....
2. Have your last cigarette about 1/2 hour before you are due to see him/her
3. Your House and Car
   * Try not to smoke in the house, if you do, use an air freshener, vacuum with a carpet deodorizer, use "fabreeze" on your curtains and furniture.
   
   * If you are smoking in your car, keep "Fabreeze" handy to spray your upholstery, I used to drive with the windows open to get the smoke out when I was on my way to see him, and I sprayed the "fabreeze" well before I arrived so the smell died down a bit. (Can't have it smelling like your hiding something either)
4. ALWAYS keep the following things handy for after you have a cigarette:
   * Over the counter breath pills
   * Breath mints or gum
   * Hand sanitizer
   * Body spray
   * USED dryer sheets
   * A toothbrush
   * Toothpaste
   * Or "Brush-ups"
5. Your Breath:
   * Take the over the counter breath pills daily, I used to take one again towards the ends of the day when he was due to come home.
   * After your cigarette, brush your teeth and tongue with either your toothbrush or those new "Brush-ups"
   * After you brush, use mouth wash anyway, if you are out, use a breath mint or gum
   * Use a flavored chapstick on your lips
6. Your Hands:
   * Obviously, if you are home, you will wash your hands with soap, CONCENTRATE on the fingers that hold your cigarette. If you are out and can't get to a washroom, always keep hand sanitizer in your purse ... guys, I guess you have to keep all of the stuff in your glove compartment :-)
7. Your Clothes And Hair:
   Now that your breath and hands smell good, you need to get the smell out of your clothes and hair, a mild body spray works well, but if you don't have one on you, I used to carry USED dryer sheets in a zip-lock bag .... the reason I say used is because the smell is SO STRONG on new ones ... I once rubbed a new one all over my clothes and hair, and when he got there, he accused me of cheating! The idiot thought it was men's cologne
8. And now you're pretty much set! Now if he/she knows you smoke, he/she will appreciate it very much that you are making the effort (and I assure you that you will be held and kissed more)
   If your smoking is a secret, well, this is no guarantee, but your secret is safe with me!

Tips & Warnings

• The Surgeon General warns that if you're going to date a smoker, DON'T BITCH ABOUT THE SMELL!