How to Avoid Going to your In-laws Holiday Events

Have you ever been invited to an event by an in-law you simply don't want to be bothered with and had trouble trying to explain to your mate why you don't want to go? Article explains how to get out of these invitations once and for all.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Quiet time alone with yor mate for discussion
• Control over your temper
• Cordial speaking voice
• Examples of the bad times you and your mate had over their house
• Money to spend on a lavish night out with your mate and/or gift

1. Take some time for yourself to think about how your own relatives or in-laws made you feel during the holidays. Write down a plan of how you would like to spend your holiday with your immediate family (such as son, daughter and their mother -- people who stay with you.) In your plan you should include the following: how you would like to spend the upcoming holiday, where you would like to celebrate it, what your contribution to it will be, suggestions you would like from your mate, how would he or she feel about it and when you plan to have it.
2. Arrange a date and time to discuss what has been on your mind with your mate and show him or her your written plan. Ask your mate when they have time to go over it and make some additions and suggestions. Follow up with them about it.
3. If they have not provided you with any thoughts or ideas, you have a bigger problem on your hands. Rather then argue, ask them nicely if they had time to review it and what did they think. If his or her response is negative, don't say anything more about it. Instead let them know what your plans are for that day, allow them to visit their own family freely without being controlling or dictating. Remind them this is how you will be handling future invitations, making it clear what events you won't mind compromising and which you will not. They may grow angry, but avoid the argument by doing something else, if he or she follows you from room to room yelling, walk away or leave the house if you feel your temper is beginning to become uncontrollable. However, if you have reasonable mate who is willing to work this holiday invitation concern out, then be cordial and understanding. Listen and remind them of why you brought this to their attention to begin with, "I simply want to spend these special moments with my own family and I want you to be a part of it."

Tips & Warnings

• When you bring up your concern to your mate such as not wanting to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas over your relatives or in-laws house, do it in a way that says, "I'd rather spend the time with my own family." Tell him or her how you feel about these special moments and how you would like to share these occasions with immediate family only.
• Be sentimental, positive, almost on the verge of tears when discussing how you feel.
• Be willing to compromise birthday celebrations, New Year's events or some other holiday with the in-laws, but make it clear you aren't interested in attending those events annually.
• Remember "familiarity breeds contempt" and remind your mate of this by using past negative examples that have occurred with you and the family.
• You are on the outside looking in so you may see things about his or her family that your mate has grown use to over the years. Some of your observations may include: controlling family members that are use to always getting their way, bad behaviors that you are tired of subjecting your children to as well as yourself and conversations that you rather not be hurt by any longer. Explain how you intend to work with your mate to begin your own set of traditions.
• Show a written plan, this way he or she knows how serious you are about your beliefs. Provide he or she with some time to think of their own way to celebrate, not how mom or dad did things and have them get back to you with their written plan. Sometimes for many children of controlling parents (and those who have controlling siblings) it is just easy for them to say yes to every invite, rather than learning to say no. It is time one of you stand up for what you want to do, and who knows, you may be able to improve upon your relationship over time with your mate.
• Anything new will initially be difficult to accept, so always remember to put yourself in your mate's shoes.
• He or she will be upset, but it isn't anything that is worth breaking up over. If he or she blows your suggestion out of proportion, then there is something else they are experiencing and it will be your job to figure out what is really bothering them.
• You may be ridiculed, talked about and/or the family may not like you because you don't want to come over. Explain to the family briefly, yet respectfully that you plan to be spending the holidays with your own immediate family and if they would like to come visit at your house when invited they are welcome to come over. (Some stubborn family members will feel this is unfair and will never come over.)
• You may want to begin your own family tradition later rather than sooner, just in case your mate has already made plans.