How to Pick the Right Battles With a Teenager

You've heard the phrase "pick your battles," but knowing when to ignore an issue with your teen can be tough. Picking the right battles requires knowing your teen really well, because the right battle for one teen might not be appropriate for another. Picking battles does not imply that fighting with your teenager is okay--you can take a firm stand on important issues without yelling or arguing.

Instructions

1. Learn about your teen's behaviors. You cannot expect to pick the right battles if you only know one side of your teen, or if you deny signs that your teen is being self-destructive. If your teen doesn't spend much time at home, insist that he or she brings friends to your place now and then. Watch your teen's interactions with friends, talk with your teen's teachers and counselor at school and frequently communicate with your teen to discover his or her most serious issues.

2. Make a list with three columns: first, issues that are nonnegotiable; second, issues that are important but may be compromised; and third, issues that aren't important enough to bother with. If your teenager is into violence, doing drugs, having sex or smoking, you'll pick your battles by letting go of the messy room issue and focusing on the more serious problem. A teen who is never self-destructive, gets good grades and seems happy most of the time might respond better to the messy room battle. The first column should be the smallest, and the last column should be largest.

3. Think about the battles you have with your teen. Ask yourself if some of these issues might be moved into the second or third columns of your list. If you have nothing in the first column, ask yourself if one or two items from the second or third columns might be important enough to be placed in the first column. For instance, issues about physical safety and treating others how you want to be treated should be top priorities.

4. Decide how to approach the issues in each column of your list. To pick your battles, you can back off, offer choices or lay down rules. It is important to completely back off the issues in the third column, and to lay down rules and consequences for the issues in the first column. You might give choices when dealing with issues in the second column-for example, if your teen refuses to do homework, ask if he or she would like to have a tutor come over three times a week, or would like to complete homework every day.

5. Remember that difficult, strong-willed teenagers will likely one day be CEOs or other leaders. If you control much of what they do, they might lose the drive and initiative that would power their lives in later years. Parenting with too much control can also permanently destroy the relationship.

Tips & Warnings

• Never lay down a rule if you're not sure that you can be absolutely consistent in doling out consequences if that rule is broken, even when it is inconvenient for you.