How to Cope with a Mate on the Down Low

Down low refers specifically to bisexual activity by men who are heterosexual, often in a committed relationship with a woman and who want to keep private about sex with other men. While infidelity of any kind presents challenges, women with mates on the down low can find specific ways to cope with the knowledge and the situation.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

1. Understand the term "down low." It entered the mainstream with the publication of a book by J.L. King in 2004 called "On the Down Low: A Journey Into the Lives of 'Straight' Black Men Who Sleep With Men." However, research shows down low activity is not limited to African American men.
2. Cope with a mate on the down low by understanding you're not alone. Hurt and confusion are normal, along with anger.
3. Read the research. It shows men involved in this kind of bisexual activity do not want to leave their committed relationship with the woman in their life. Focus on research findings and descriptions from medical specialists and those who counsel in the field.
4. Get support. Confiding in a friend or family member is often out of the question. Use online chat groups, private counseling or support groups to discuss ways to cope with a mate on the down low.
5. Decide how you feel about the down low activity. It's a good idea to sort some of this out before discussing with your mate. Many women discover their love hasn't changed once they get used to the idea. Others simply can't accept it.
6. Discuss the situation with your mate, if you can. It may take several attempts, and it may never actually happen. It's especially important, though, to have a discussion if you suspect the down low behavior is putting you at risk.

Tips & Warnings

• Read as much as you can about down low bisexual behavior. It confirms that you aren't alone in trying to cope.
• Give it time. Rushing away from a committed relationship with a mate on the down low may be your first impulse, but many women stay on after they learn to cope.