How to Mediate a Family Argument

Every family, no matter how large, small, unorthodox or all-American, is bound to have arguments and disputes. Whether these arguments involve just two members of the family or escalate to include the whole clan, it's important to resolve family arguments in a way that satisfies everyone or at least makes everyone feel that they were treated fairly and with love. Here are some tips for mediating a family argument.

Instructions

1. Choose a neutral location. Have your mediation or family meeting in a place or room that is of equal value to everyone in the family and can be considered neutral ground. Rooms like the living room or dining room are good because they belong to everyone and will also be larger so that everyone can sit comfortably and have plenty of room. Avoid smaller rooms like someone's bedroom, where mediating parties will feel cramped, and the person who lives in that bedroom will feel encroached upon.

2. Let everyone speak. It's important that everyone involved in the argument be allowed to state their case and voice their opinion in regards to the issue at hand. Letting one person dominate the conversation or the mediation will only cause other family members to harbor resentment for that person and to feel as though their views are not being heard. It will help to have an object or signal indicating whose turn it is to speak and establishing a rule at the beginning of the mediation that only the person in possession of that object may speak. Make the object a neutral one, like a couch pillow or a kitchen spoon and make sure that it gets passed around fairly.

3. Value everyone's opinions. It is likely that everyone has an opinion on the argument or has been affected by it, even if they are not directly one of the arguing parties. Sit in a circle or on level ground to indicate that everyone in the family has feelings that are worth the same and give every member of the family, no matter how young, a chance to speak up if they feel the need to.

4. Speak with respect. It can be easy to get loud or confrontational with the family member that you are arguing with because, well, they're family! But remember that after the argument is resolved they will still be your family, and that's what is important. Make sure that everyone speaks calmly, civilly and respectfully to everyone else at the mediation; this will help avoid escalation of anger and keep feelings from getting hurt any more than they already are. It might help to have a signal such as a red card that the mediator can hold up to indicate that voices are being raised and things are getting out of hand; this can be a signal for everyone to stop and take a breath before continuing.

5. Leave on good terms. Family arguments aren't always resolved quickly and mediations don't always result in everyone being fully satisfied. Stay and talk things out for as long as it takes to ensure that everyone involved feels that their issues have been addressed and that the problem has either been resolved or that it is at least going to be dealt with. Even if it's an issue that can't be fixed overnight, no one should walk away from a mediation angry or feeling that their time was wasted. Take as much time as you need to be sure that everyone is leaving on good terms and that the mediation was successful.

6. Let it go. You're family. You're bound to upset each other now and then. But at the end of the day, you're still family. So if you've talked things out, apologies have been made or steps have been taken to right what was wrong, let it go. Holding grudges and harboring resentment will only push you further apart and make the next argument even worse. As a mediator, assess whether you feel the arguing parties are genuine in their forgiveness of each other and whether the situation has been resolved. If not, keep at it until it's done.

Resources

• Great links to help you with family conflict resolution.