How to Be a Successful Network News Anchor

Let's be honest. If there is a proven method of doing something, why reinvent the wheel? Dan Rather was the "CBS Evening News" anchor for 25 years. So why not model the modus operandi of someone who had that type of longevity? Follow these steps so you, too, can last a quarter of a century at the job.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• A liberal mindset.

1. Get into an on-air argument with a sitting Republican Vice President.
2. Try to influence the outcome of a presidential election by running a negative story about the candidate you want to lose (always a Republican), without doing your due diligence.
3. Only say nice things about Republicans after they die.
4. Attend a Democratic Party fund-raiser and then insist that you're not biased against Republicans.
5. Investigate discrimination in the workplace but never do a story that there may be liberal bias in newsrooms. Just dismiss those who make the assertion as people with axes to grind.
6. Refer to Republicans as "conservative," as often as you can--but never refer to Democrats as "liberal."
7. Ignore stories that may be damaging to Democrats, like when Dan Rather refused to report that congressional intern, Chandra Levy disappeared under suspicious circumstances.

Tips & Warnings

• There are only three network news anchor jobs, so it may be tough to get the job in the first place.
• If you're not inherently liberal, you'll probably never get the job, much less last for any decent span of time.