How to Become a Mediocre Band

Becoming a breakthrough artist is challenging, so why not just settle for less? More and more bands seem to be doing just that these days. Here are a few practical tips to ensure your place in rock and roll obscurity forever.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• A band
• Some lousy songs
• A lead guitar player whose idol is C.C. Deville from Poison
• A raging substance abuse problem
• An ego bigger than Trump' s
• STDs
• A personal hygiene problem

1. Form a band. You may already be in one, and if so, skip this and head straight for Step 2.
2. Don't rehearse. Nobody likes a showoff, and what better way to prove you've got nothing to prove than by butchering your own material?
3. Listen to lots of radio. Originality is certainly at a premium over the airwaves, which makes it a perfect place to garner new ideas for your next album.
4. Watch American Idol religiously. No one knows more about good music than Simon & Co.
5. Always play in 4/4 time. Period.
6. Always make sure the second single you release is a ballad. It has long been proven in music lore that the almighty power ballad should follow the more edgy first release.
7. Never challenge your audience. Your material must always be nothing but straightforward with no room for personal interpretation. This goes back to that showing off thing.
8. Hire your drug dealer as your tour manager. Pretty self-explanatory. It really is all about convenience you know.
9. Sleep with your drummer's girlfriend. If you are the drummer, make sure you sleep with someone who is not your girlfriend.
10. Anytime you do PR, make sure that everyone knows that all the other bands out there can't hold your jock. Hey, you're not in this to make friends.
11. Subsist largely on a liquid diet. Between the spandex and coke binges, you won't have time to fix yourself a real meal.
12. Stay in good standing with Oprah. She's the key.
13. Do lots of commercials. Everyone knows the true pinnacle of musical success is hawking tacos or diet soda on TV. Never mind the fact that your every word is now compromised. Rake it in while you can.

Tips & Warnings

• Speed is your friend.
• Food is not your friend.
• Everyone at your shows really cares what you think about fashion.
• Do not think for yourself or challenge your audience to do so.