How to Annoy a Biblical Literalist

A biblical literalist is a person who believes that every word of the Holy Bible is true. This can be quite embarrassing for the person when reason, logic and outmoded ideals have rendered many passages and commands of the good book into obsolete silliness. If you are ever engaged in conservation with one of these people, use these queries to silence, confuse and upbraid them into submission.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• A small amount of biblical knowledge
• A biblical literalist

1. Ask them if they are now wearing, or have ever worn, a garment made from 2 different materials. This is forbidden.

2. If it is a gentleman with whom you speak, let him know that he must never sit on a chair or lie down in a bed that a woman has occupied while menstruating. He will be one tired fellow if he has adhered to this.

3. The Bible states the earth is flat and sits on pillars. Demand that they take you to these pillars immediately or at least show you a photograph of one.

4. Ask them to explain dinosaurs. Ask them why there is no mention of them in the Bible.

5. Ask them how long it takes for the sun to move around the earth.

6. If they have children, find out why they are still living as any disobedient or rebellious child should be put to death.

7. Tell them you would like a list of all the adulterers they have killed.

8. If there are idols or images of anything in the room, demand that they begin smashing them as these things are forbidden.

9. As they weep before you in sin, begging forgiveness, simply say, "Who knows, really? You're probably right."

[flemcam]

on 12/8/2007 Where is Step 10. I need one more step!

[alleyosh]

on 12/7/2007 This list is incomplete by far. Probably needs a few more. Like no one should eat lobster, shrimp, catfish, or bacon again. I think it's okay to sleep with the maid if your wife can't conceive, isn't that what Moses did?