How to be a Hon

What is a Hon, you may ask? At least if you are not familiar with Baltimore (Bawlmer). Well, "hon" started as a figure of speech tacked on to the end of every sentence, pretty much the Baltimore equivalent of the Cockney "luv." Pretty soon, though, "Hon" came to apply to the type of person most likely to use the term, usually a middle-aged woman, prototypically a diner waitress, and always (of course) a Baltimore native. Well, sadly, we can't all be from Baltimore, but we can all get in touch with our inner "Hon" if we really try.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• The complete John Waters collection on DVD
• A beehive hairdo
• A Natty Bo
• Crabs for Christmas (the song, and some actual hardshell blue crabs as well, steamed with lots of Old Bay)

1. Get to Baltimore right away and go hang out in the part of town known as Hampden. It is best if you can go for Hampden's annual HonFest, held every June on 36th Ave. ("downy avenue", in "honspeak"). Be sure to stop by Cafe Hon as well.
2. Rent some John Waters movies, especially if you are stuck in some godforsaken place like California and can't make it to Charm City. The early ones starring drag queen Divine are the best ones for absorbing quintessential "Bawlmer-ness."
3. Learn to speak "bawlmerese." Not only do you need to start adding the word "hon" to the end of your sentences, hon, you also need to work on the accent. Study those John Waters movies, and remember to say your "o" like they start with "e"s.
4. Try to get hold of the classic holiday song "Crabs for Christmas" by David DeBoy. Sing along; it will help you work on your accent. Plus it's a lot of fun.
5. Rat your hair up into a nice high beehive, then douse it with gallons of hairspray (see John Waters movie of the same name). Complement your new 'do with a pair of cat's eye glasses.
6. Crack a Natty Bo and say "how 'bout them O's?" Welcome to Charm City, hon!

Tips & Warnings

• If you have a dog, name him Cal Ripken (I did).