How to Date as a Divorced Mom

Dating after divorce is a complex thing, especially if you have children. It can be a challenge to maintain a balance between your needs and your children's feelings. With a little planning and consideration, you should be able ease the adjustment for your kids as you enjoy a new relationship.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. If you are just beginning to date and not in a serious relationship, it may be easier for everyone involved to date on your own time. Meeting a date for lunch when your children are in school helps keep their environment stable and makes them feel secure.

2. As your relationship grows, you may want to go on evening dates. It is OK to let your children know you are having dinner with a friend. If they are old enough to understand, you can even tell them it is a "date." Be open and receptive to their feelings, and willing to listen to their reactions.

3. Don't feel guilty about dating, even if your children are unhappy with the idea. Dating again does not make you selfish; it only makes you human. Reassure your kids that anyone you date will never replace their dad.

4. Make sure your kids know that they will always come first for you. This may mean giving them lots of extra time and attention while they adjust to the idea of your dating. Take time for dinners at their favorite restaurant, movies with popcorn on DVD, stories read and plain old good talks. When they are feeling safe, they will be much more open to your branching out.

5. When your relationship with a new man becomes serious, introduce him to your kids as a friend rather than a parental figure. Watch carefully to make sure he treats your children kindly and with respect. At this stage, they may enjoy being included in some of the things you do together, such as dinner, roller skating or hiking. Let your kids get to know your boyfriend in easy, light and fun situations. Be sure to retain all the authority over your kids. Only you should be telling them what to do.

6. Make sure your kids understand that they will not be included in all your dates. Try to maintain a balance between times where the kids are invited and times for you and your boyfriend to be alone. It is OK for kids to know that sometimes moms need "grown-up time."

7. Even though your relationship may be hot and heavy, your kids shouldn't see the sparks fly. When all of you are together, resist the urge to cuddle, kiss or even hold hands. This would only make your kids uncomfortable. Acting like fond friends in front of children will help them to feel secure and accept the situation.

[bevsue]

on 2/27/2009 Very thoughtful. I am firmly convinced that your children do not need to meet a new person until you are certain it is actually a relationship. It is too confusing to have people in and out of their lives.

[MicheleS]

on 2/10/2008 this is great advise. Even though I am married, I have many divorced friends that can benefit from this article