How to Survive in the South

If you are in the unfortunate circumstance of having to visit or live in the southern region of the United States, there are a few rules to live by which can make your stay more tolerable. While some find the area to be hospitable and charming, those of you with a broader world knowledge may find it quite taxing. These tidbits of wisdom may help you avoid any discomfort in the land of Dixie.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Imported culture
• A translation or phrase book
• Buddhist tolerance
• An exit strategy

1. Eat salads and low fat meals. The regional cooking will clog your arteries like a sludge -filled storm drain. Everything is fried, in gravy or stewed in pork fat. There is a reason for the obesity levels of the area.

2. Find the name of a local church that is poorly attended. You don't have to go but you will be asked often where you attend service. It is nice to have a reply at the ready.

3. Remove all bumper stickers from your car that could be perceived as having a liberal connotation. You risk vandalism otherwise.

4. Resist wearing clothing or apparel with liberal slogans. This includes college or place names not from around these parts.

5. Avoid any conversation regarding the "Civil War." Use the term "War Between the States" or "The Cause." It is still a touchy subject to the locals. They believe slavery was not involved.

6. When driving in the region, stick to Interstate highways only. You do not want to know what happens on the back roads.

7. Tell everyone you are from Missouri. This will explain your lack of a southern accent. Missouri was also equally divided during the "Civil War," I mean "The War Between the States," so your loyalty will not be questioned.

8. While the use of polysyllabic words represents an educated mind and makes conversation more interesting, avoid using them. They will only cause confusion and resentment and may lead to violence.

9. Keep your opinions to yourself. They will inevitably be misunderstood and may lead to violence.

10. Root for the area's sports team when in public and a game is on. Failure to do so may lead to violence.

Tips & Warnings

• Slow down. The heat will kill you.
• Drink heavily. It is your only salvation. Try to avoid the local watering holes however. It may lead to violence.
• Never admit to atheism under any circumstances.
• Talk slowly and hide your own accent if you have one.

[sunnytea]

on 7/2/2009 Bless your heart, Sugar, if that wasn't the most bitter thing I've read in a while.
My guess is that you pride yourself on being an intelligent liberal. Isn't that supposed to be about tolerance and equal opportunity? And yet you condemn everyone South of the Mason-Dixie line as extras on the set of Deliverance. We're just as intelligent as the rest of our country. There isn't a component in our water that renders our minds inept.
Now this might come as a shock to you, but chances are we know someone from wherever you claimed to come from. We're real tight-knit down here. If you lie, we'll ought not be happy. So fess up. Most of us just love Yankees, 'long as they don't stick around too long. We're not that touchy about the war. It was a damn long time ago, and most of us would choose to devote our prayers to those in the current war.
Excuse me? We're not all fat. I my ownself am 5...