How to Make New Year’s Resolutions You Will Never Keep

Sure, there are plenty of articles on the New Year and resolutions, but here is the sure-fire method to fail miserably. And it’s guaranteed to work every time!

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Nothing, no one, nada

1. Make several resolutions at one time so you can get the whole thing over with. If you’re going to make big changes, the more the merrier. When you do fail, and you will, you always have next year, right?
2. Expect immediate and dramatic results. You heard that the wild mushroom and chive diet is the new craze. So what if you have to starve yourself for a while. Once you lose the weight you can go back to eating whatever you want anyway. You heard that dehydration is another quick weight loss method. Turn up the sauna and get busy.
3. Be sure not to tell anyone about your resolutions. Who wants to be bugged by people telling you what to do and what not to drink. Screw that. You can do it on your own just as easily without all the nagging.
4. Don’t spend too much time worrying about your shortcomings. So what if you smoke a pack a day. You’re down from the two packs you used the smoke. Since your breathing became a bit ragged and you don’t need another explosion from your oxygen tank, you have cut way back on smoking. (Those skin grafts are more painful than a bad toothache).
5. Don’t give up all your vices. After all, you’re drinking less and less these days. You just can’t afford more than a gallon of vodka a day anymore. Since you lost your job at the quarry and they came and took away your ’89 Oldsmobile and all your credit cards, funds have been a bit tight.
6. You would like to shed that extra hundred pounds or so. Maybe someday you can fit in the shower stall again, instead of just taking a sponge bath every Friday, whether you need it or not. Yep, you’re livin’ the good life in your trailer in the woods. Maybe you don't need no stinkin' resolutions!

Tips & Warnings

• Have a safe, happy, healthy New Year!