How to Deal With the Female Mind as a Male

You'd think there was a top secret manual somewhere, specifically designed to teach the fairer sex how to manage, maneuver and sometimes outright manipulate men into getting what they want. The truth is, the ways of women are quite simple to figure out.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

1. Women don't always tell men the real deal. Women are outright, bold-face liars from the minute a man calls and says, "Wanna go with me to the baseball game tonight? You do like baseball, don't you?" and she gushes, "Honey, I was born behind Home Plate!"
2. Women don't always want you to agree with them and give them what they want. This is where you must decipher between A) those times when she wants you to roll over like a trained seal and B) other rare occasions when she doesn't want you to give a single inch.
   
   

   Often these instances will involve either the spending of a lot of money on her part (see A) or you taking a stand on an important character issue and sticking to it, inspiring her in the process to become a better person. The tricky part is knowing when to acquiesce to her whims and when to put your foot down, demanding respect for what you believe in.

3. Women are well aware of the difference between Brad Pitt and the men they sleep next to. As hard as it is to accept, guys, your woman is just trying to be nice when she refers to you as the man of her dreams. Something about that inbred male nuclear gas-passing in the middle of the night has a way of de-clouding a blissful, dream-cluttered female mind like you wouldn't believe. But when a woman loves you, she will do her damnedest to love every last bit of you.
4. Women never forget. They try, goodness knows. The harsh reality is the female mind is incapable of forgetting anything. There is simply no escaping the reaches of the female memory. Remember this when you try to apologize to your woman about something you did yesterday and she's still stuck on what you did to her five years ago.
5. What women say and what they really mean can be entirely different things. For instance, when a woman says, "Honey, I need three things from the store," she is actually saying, "I need three things from the store until I think of one more thing while you are gone, at which time I will tell you that you were supposed to get four things, even though you thought I 'meant' only three."
   
   

   When this happens, guys, go with the flow. Say, "Yes, sweetie/honey," and without a fuss, give in and fetch her that fourth thing. Give her those four things with an adorable smile on your face and let the disagreement go completely whether it was three things or four things you were supposed to buy. You can't win by insisting there never was a fourth thing to get at the store. If you truly love the woman in your life, let her think she's affectionately persuaded you into doing what she wants, when she wants you to do it.

6. When your woman gets on your last nerve and you don't think you can take a minute more of her, remember that special four-letter word that brought the two of you together in the first place.