How to Survive the Holidays Without Narcotics

Here are some ideas for holiday survival during the crazed "holidaze". (Just a footnote to all you Vicodin-popping "House" lookalikes and wannabes, when I say without narcotics, I mean without more narcotics than usual. So don't raise your canes at me or raise cane unless it is in the form of candy canes. And yes, Mr. Laurie, I am mocking you.) Now for the tips, steps and whatever else my glazed over mind can come up with.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Alcohol in massive quantities
• Chocolate
• Nerves of steel
• Exceptional ability to procrastinate
• A great sense of humor
• A pile of New Year's resolutions, ripped into little tiny pieces

1. Happy New Year! Be sure to store the cooking sherry, wine and wild turkey in a locked cabinet. Getting completely soused before glazing the ham is a safety issue, not to mention a clear violation of Ms. Manners etiquette. The drunken stupor after the meal is purely optional. Remember, however, if you are planning to put a lampshade on your head on New Year's Eve, go immediately to the Christmas Tree Shop, as they are much cheaper there, although guaranteed to break. (This is marked in Chinese on every label).
2. Chocolate consumption during the month of December is entirely non-caloric and actually serves a medicinal purpose. Four pounds of any chocolate eaten in one sitting has a laxative effect that can last for several days - hence the weight gain neutralization. And the taste brings out those festive memories of years gone by, spent on the seat of luxury, reading your favorite holiday magazines.
3. Yikes! Only 2 shopping days left! Try to avoid prolonged bouts of screaming as you attempt to wrap all 169 gifts that you purchased in a single afternoon, two days before Christmas because you procrastinated on getting this accomplished. When you discover that you have no scotch tape and the car is in the shop because some Mass hole (any driver originally from the Boston area) rammed you in the side door at the local Starbucks, as this will hurt your voice and make you less capable of hurling expletives at the next marginally evolved specimen of manhood who crushes your moving vehicle in heavy holiday traffic
4. Y x 3.14/X You will need to disconnect the cable and disable all wireless networks so as to antagonize all masculine relatives (including your truck driving, Aunt Sue), who think the holidays consist of one long drawn out football/basketball/hockey/golf/soccer extravaganza followed by several hours of watching strange people with names like “the unibomber” and “the magician” play Texas Hold’Em. This will result in a huge argument that may or may not progress to blows, based on the number of beers drunk times pie squared, divided by the speed of light. Have a calculator handy for these last minute calculations.
5. Be sure to put aside ample time for your hospital stay, when you slip off the roof as you're stapling "icicles" to the house on Christmas eve in a raging Nor'easter. You will need the rest after your twelve-hour drive through an ice storm, picking up your daughter at college, which happens to be a less than convenient 1,196 miles away. It's okay though, it seems she will not be invited back after her suspension - Well, except for the court date – though that's not ‘til January 2, so you can relax. When will she learn to get a real prescription? Which reminds you, you're down to less than a bushel of Prozac and your psychiatrist is on vacation in Amsterdam. He better be back soon, or you're going to blow a few gaskets. Maybe, since you're planning to be in the hospital anyway, you can replenish your stash there? Ah, the good old holidays.
6. I will need to re-title my article, "How to Survive the Holidaze" and leave off the drug stipulations. Who am I kidding anyway, nobody gets through the holidays without narcotics and maybe a nice scotch chaser in a large glass with reindeer antler handles. Bottoms up and happy holidays to all!

Tips & Warnings

• Have a great holiday and a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!