How to Determine if you are in an Unhealthy Relationship

Sometimes it is difficult to detect when we are in unhealthy relationships. The warning signs may be subtle and we may have developed dysfunctional habits that lead us to believe that our relationships are healthy when they are not.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

1. Gage how you are feeling when you around the individual. Is he making you feel nervous? Do you find yourself telling small white lies to prevent him from getting upset with you? Do you feel like you do not want to live without this individual? Do you find yourself isolating yourself from your friends and family so that you can only spend time with this individual?
2. Make a journal of the relationship for a 30 to 90 day period of time and observe how many times an argument occurred, what was the argument about, and whether or not you recognize a reoccuring theme in your arguments. Is it consistently related to jealousy? control? Criticisms or put downs? Character attacks? or are there no arguments at all because you both constantly agree with each other?
   
   A healthy relationship will consist of some disagreements every now and then. However the individuals in the relationship work through the disagreements together and continue to love and show respect for one another. If you are constantly agreeing with each other this could be a sign that one of you may not be expressing your true feelings. If there are constant arguments and emotional attacks it shows evidence of an unhealthy relationship.
3. After completing the journal talk with your trusted close friends and relatives to determine whether or not they have witnessed a distinct change in you since the development of the relationship with the individual. What changes have they observed? Are they positive or negative changes?
4. Take note of the time spent with the individual verses time spent doing things outside of the relationship. Have you stopped doing things that you love to do because you have put all of your time and energy into the relationship? A healthy relationship has a balance of spending time together and spending time doing other things outside of the relationship.
5. Determine what characteristics you like about the individual. Is it only his good looks and charm?, is it only her ability to have great sex? There should be more to the relationship than simply physical qualities. Determine what goals you have in common, do you know each others likes and dislikes? Unhealthy relationship are shallow, healthy relationships are based on mutual love, trust, respect, values, goals, and the ability to be supportive and encouraging, as well as accepting of each others true personality and not a false persona or built on false pretenses.

Tips & Warnings

• Be completely honest with yourself and in your journal
• Ask for friends and family to be honest and be prepared to hear negative and positive comments
• Don't make excuses for negative behaviors and actions
• Don't be afraid to look at dysfunctional patterns in yourself that may contribute to unhealthy relationsips i.e., low self esteem, discounting your feelings, control and jealousy issues
• Many unhealthy relationship stem from power struggles or control issues