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Step 1
Dating violence is a pattern of continual acts that threaten or physically or sexually abuse a partner while in a relationship. Domestic violence is a pattern of continual acts that threaten or physically or sexually abuse a member of the abuser’s household. This can be a spouse, ex-spouse, sibling, other relative, or resident of the home. Dating violence and domestic violence both stem from the perpetrator’s need for power and control and exist on a continuum of aggressive behaviors by the abuser. The dynamics of abuse and the victim’s responses to the abuse are very similar in both dating and domestic violence situations.
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Step 2
In many cases, the only difference is that the victim of domestic violence is often economically dependent on the abuser. The victim may believe that she would be homeless and destitute without the financial support of the perpetrator. In dating violence situations, the victim is not generally dependent upon the abuser for shelter and financial support, but there may be a strong need for the financial or social benefits of being in an ongoing relationship with the abuser. Dating violence may begin as early as the teenage years. One in ten teenagers will experience some form of physical abuse in dating relationships.
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Step 3
Many young people come to believe that love and abuse in relationships go hand-in-hand, especially because they may have little else with which to compare their experiences. They may downplay the physical abuse of their partner by making excuses for him. They may think that abusive or jealous behaviors are signs that their partners love them. This is especially true if being in a relationship is the most important thing in a young person’s life. Young people in junior high school and high school can be obsessed with being popular. Popularity at this time of life often means having a date, going steady, or being in a relationship. When abuse starts to occur, friends may not encourage the victim to get help, because they believe this kind of behavior is normal or because they are also in abusive relationships and need to cover up the abuse. Unless they are exposed to healthy relationships, victims of dating violence often suffer needlessly, without the realization that the abuse is not acceptable, not normal, and certainly not their fault.
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Step 4
Dating violence generally exhibits a pattern of behavior with these common elements. Repeated violence escalates into more abusive behavior. Violence increases in severity the longer the relationship continues, Violence and abusive behaviors are followed with apologies and promises to change. Terminating the relationship increases the threats and level of violence for the victim. Many times, the controlling behavior of the abuser will isolate the victim from her friends and make the possibility of getting help more difficult. She may feel increasingly alone and confused about how to escape the abuser. Teenagers in a dating violence situation may be reluctant to seek help from adults. They may distrust adults and be afraid of interference in the relationship. They also may be afraid that whatever independence they have will be taken away from them if they can’t handle their own problems. Though drugs and alcohol do play a part in abuse, they are not the cause of the abuse. They may be an excuse, but they are not the reason for the abuse.
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Step 5
All too often, the abuser will blame the victim for the abuse. The guilt placed on the victim is a tremendous burden and is the primary cause for low self-esteem in victims. Perpetrators are always responsible for their actions. The abuse is not the fault of the victim. People stay in abusive relationships for many reasons, but they don’t stay because it really isn’t that bad. Any abuse is bad abuse. There is no such thing as good abuse or justifiable abuse. Know the signs to watch for, and know how to prevent abuse. Again, prevention of this type of sexual assault will require a great deal of education. Here are the warning signs that your date is violent. Don’t ignore these warning signs:
* The man gets too serious about the relationship too quickly.
* He is jealous and possessive, won’t let you have friends, checks up on you, and won’t accept breaking up.
* He tries to control you by being very bossy, giving orders, and making all the decisions.
* He humiliates you and belittles your opinions.
* You are frightened of him and worry about how he will react to things you say or do.
* He threatens you.
* He is violent, has a history of fighting, loses his temper quickly, or brags about mistreating others. He may use or own weapons.
* He pressures you for sex, or forces you to do sexual things that you don’t want to do. He may attempt to manipulate you or lay a guilt-trip on you by saying, “If you really loved me you would . . .”
* He expresses contempt for women, or treats them as sex objects.
* He abuses drugs or alcohol and pressures you to take them with him even when you don’t want to.
* He blames you when he or others mistreat you and say that you provoked it.
* He has a history of bad relationships and blames other people for his problems.
* His statements or actions indicate that he thinks men should be in control and that women should do as they’re told.
* He has hit, pushed, choked, restrained, kicked, or physically hurt you.
* Your family and friends have warned you about him or told you they were worried for your safety.
