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Step 1
During the few days after the assault, you may experience depression. The severity of the feelings after the rape may be confusing to you, especially if you are being told by other people, “You’re okay, just forget about it,” or, “You’re not hurt so what’s the big deal?” On an unconscious level, the impulse of family members and friends—-even though they love you and have the best intentions in mind—is to minimize what has happened to you. This is a defense mechanism that enables them to deal with guilt they may be feeling for not having been able to protect you. A common reaction to surviving a life-threatening situation is to become depressed. Depression may cause you to feel the following: discouraged about the future, that you have nothing to live for or that things are hopeless, an exaggerated feeling about your faults, and seeing only the worst side of yourself. Depression can be self-perpetuating and can last for an extended period, especially after the trauma of rape. Depression should not be ignored, as it is treatable and may get worse if not addressed.
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Step 2
When a woman is raped or sexually assaulted, she may fear the rapist and anyone who resembles him. In a date rape situation, a woman’s trust of familiar men can be destroyed, leading to a total lack of trust in any and all men. She may lump all men together as potential rapists. Even boyfriends, lovers, and husbands are not immune to being considered in the same category as the rapist. It may be difficult for her to trust men. She may distrust her ability to differentiate a good (safe) man from a bad (dangerous) man.
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Step 3
This is when something or someone reminds you of the rape. Often on the one-year anniversary of the assault, the survivor will have an emotional reaction. This can also happen if the rape occurred in a particular place like a parking garage in which case any parking garage could trigger an emotional reaction, because it reminds the woman of where she was raped. In date rape, this can be exacerbated because the rapist is often in contact with the victim after the rape. The trauma may be so great because of continual retriggering incidents, that the victim might leave her job or school, or move away, just to stop the memories from recurring.
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Step 4
You may become more dependent on friends and family or you may feel compelled to withdraw from people. It is common to have low self-esteem and to want to change your appearance so as to repel anyone who might be interested in you sexually. Along with or as a result of the emotional responses, a sexual assault survivor may experience a wide range of physical responses, including muscle tension, pain, shortness of breath, gynecological disturbances, fatigue, and changes in sleeping and eating patterns.
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Step 5
Feelings of despair may be temporary and pass quickly, but, when a life-threatening crisis like rape occurs, everything is serious and nothing should be taken for granted. If thoughts of suicide or self-harm occur, realize that they are normal, but a rape crisis counselor or therapist should be consulted at once.
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Step 6
Sexual dysfunction and promiscuity can occur in the aftermath of rape. Sexual dysfunction usually occurs if the victim views sex as synonymous with rape. If promiscuity occurs after a rape, it can be the most difficult for friends and family to understand, and it often gives them an excuse to disbelieve the woman’s story.
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Step 7
Many people have rigid expectations of the way a woman is supposed to behave after she has been raped, expecting her to act hysterical, to sob, and to have shredded clothes and black and blue marks from fighting off the rapist. If her behavior is not consistent with these expectations, others may disbelieve her. Some of her girlfriends may minimize the assault or appear to blame the victim because they feel threatened—if their friend was an innocent victim, then perhaps they could be too. It may be easier to blame their friend instead of the rapist. Her friends may feel safer if they believe she caused the attack or made it up. Even her friends and family may seem tired of talking about the incident. This is also a way of denying that what happened was important and worth remembering. Many people—family, friends, pastors, husbands, and others—will often get fed up with a woman’s inability to forgive and forget, and to get on with her life.
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Step 8
Forgiveness, which is the ultimate healer, cannot be embraced until she has worked through all of her other feelings in connection with the assault. These include anger, rage, hatred, fear, depression, and helplessness. There are no easy answers to recovery from this devastating crime. A rape victim may or may not ever forgive her attacker. Those who place unrealistic or simplistic solutions on her recovery need to educate themselves as to the reality of rape survival.
Comments
flexibility said
on 10/25/2009 Date rape wasn't something I expected when I went out with "Paul," just last month. I told him I did not want to have sex and he forced himself on me. I couldn't deal with it so I pretended to myself to have a real relationship with him. I also dissociated in order to deal with the trauma. I am in the process of making several police reports so hopefully "Paul" will not be hurting anyone else. I can really relate to this article. I have become depressed, felt like quitting school, wanted to die, felt pressure from my boyfriend to just move through it and get on with life, and worst of all, I became more sexually active than I wanted to be after the rape. I don't understand why I did this, but I did. I'm just hanging on. Pray this guy goes to prison. He's already a convicted felon for other things.
ianvstiles said
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scott4375 said
on 5/8/2009 I recommend you get into a rape support group who will believe you. It's very common to blame yourself, but remember you didn't commit the crime. I suggest you check out my book: The Essential Guide to Date Rape Prevention. You can order it on my website: www.scottlindquist.biz If you can't afford it, order it from the library.
scott4375 said
on 5/8/2009 I recommend you get into a rape support group who will believe you. It's very common to blame yourself, but remember you didn't commit the crime. I suggest you check out my book: The Essential Guide to Date Rape Prevention. You can order it on my website: www.scottlindquist.biz If you can't afford it, order it from the library.
DistressedGirl said
on 12/6/2008 I was raped a year ago. I'm having the same difficulty with my current boyfriend. I fear that our relationship is in severe jeaporady because I can't be as sexually receptive as he needs me to be. We just moved in together, and he's already moving back in with his parents. I understand his frustration, I just wish that he loved me enough to not have to obsessively look at porn, and get frustrated when I won't do certain sexual things. I feel helpless. At first he treated me like a princess, and now I feel we're at the breaking point because I'm emotionally damaged, and can't usually have sex unless I'm too drunk to think about what had happened.