How to Get Through the First 4 Stages of Rape Recovery

The following reactions may occur in any order and be experienced at different intervals. You may stay in one stage for a long time, or you may skip one or more stages entirely. If you feel stuck in a particular stage for a long time, your counselor, therapist, or support group may be able to help you.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

1. Emotional Shock and Disbelief:“Why Me?” You may believe that rape cannot happen to good girls or that a rapist cannot possibly be a guy you know. If you believe the male-created myths that women who are raped wanted, provoked, or deserved the attack, you may be in shock, and it may be more difficult for you to believe that the rape actually happened to you. You may feel numb and unable to cry. You may block out the rape and find it difficult to remember anything but the time before or after the rape. As you begin to get stronger and emotionally more able to deal with the assault, flashbacks and nightmares may occur. You also may feel weak, have trouble sleeping, and feel exhausted.
2. Embarrassment, Shame, Guilt: “I’m ashamed to tell anyone,” and “I can’t tell my parents; they’d think I made it up.” These are some of the things women say when they are feeling shame, guilt, or embarrassment about a date rape situation. Feeling embarrassed about being raped is a form of taking responsibility for the man’s behavior. Not only have women suffered from rape and other forms of sexual assault, but they have also been ostracized by family and community for being victims. Your husband, boyfriend, family, or friends may not understand. Find someone who does. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. You are not the rapist. He is the one who should be ashamed! Stand up for yourself and refuse to let anyone blame you for being victimized.
3. Disorientation. You may feel disoriented and confused by all that has happened to you as well as being inundated by the demands being put upon you at this time. There are important decisions that have to be made, and even though you are in no emotional condition to think rationally, you still have to make them. This is another reason to contact a rape crisis counselor and/or support group who can empathize with what you are going through. You are not alone.
4. Anger, Rage, Revenge Fantasies. It is perfectly acceptable and normal to be angry with your attacker. In fact, it can be very healthy to be angry, because anger can become a motivating force out of the feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and worthlessness. Often, the feelings of anger and rage do not come until later, which is unfortunate because it can be easier to make decisions about your welfare if you have the energy of anger. You also may have thoughts and fantasies of elaborate revenge. Do not be too concerned about these feelings and fantasies—they are natural.