How to Take a Bath

Instructions on Spoiling Yourself with a Selfish Hour of Self-Inflicted Bliss

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• Foaming Bath Milk, Dead Sea Salts, Fizzing Bath Bombs, Oils, or any Combination Thereof. Bath water should be silky, but not oily; salted, yet not salty. Scent should be heady, never pungent.
• Exfoliation Devices. Sponges, poufs, pumice stones, exfoliating cloths; all are welcome. The intention is to polish every bit of flesh, to massage and caress and tease the skin into a dewy shine.
• Body Wash. Soap simply will not do. Soap is for those in a hurry. We are going to take our sweet time.
• Shampoo, Conditioner, Face Wash: The Standards. Conditioner is especially important, as we will be using it to shave.
• Audio Stimulation: Music, Audio Book, or DVD. Subject matter is open to personal taste. Hands must be free; save the book for later.
• A Vibrating Razor. Although at first skeptical about the power of the vibrating razor, I was actually shocked when I snagged my husband’s for a quick shave in the shower. Closet shave ever.
• A Thick, Heavy Towel. Personally, I’m not fond of soft towels. I like my towels big, thick, and coarse. It’s invigorating to give myself a nice, rough towel-down after an hour of soft soaking.
• Body Moisturizer, Foot Moisturizer, Toner, Facial Moisturizer, Deodorant, Perfume. Only your very favorites will suffice.
• A Robe. We’re not talking about Aunt Maeve’s housedress here. Your robe must be snuggly and/or silky, as well as sexy.
• A glass of wine. The inventors of wine had baths in mind when they created it.
• Optional. Spa Bath Mat, Detachable Shower Head (many consider this more of a necessity), Waterproof Toys

1. Cue audio stimulation.
2. Start bath water at a moderately warm temperature. We will be increasing the temperature throughout the bath, so initial heat should be comfortable.
3. Add bath milk, salts, and so on and so forth.
4. When water is a quarter full, drop your sexy robe and step daintily into the bath.
   Lie in the tub, and scoot your pelvis down under the faucet, letting the water run all over you. Resist the urge to reach for the vibrating razor. (All in good time.)
   Increase the heat of the water until almost uncomfortable. Marvel in the sensation of the heat. Allow this to continue until the water is full, and/or you’re running the risk of drowning.
5. Once the bath tub is full, focus all of your energies on exfoliating each individual part of your body. Take your time. Be liberal with the body wash. Remember, we are in no hurry. The goal isn’t just cleanliness; you want to treat each part of your body as its own important entity. Scrub your skin, massage yourself; pamper each harried muscle group. “There, there,” you will say to your calves, inner thighs, navel. “Mama’s here.” And don’t forget your feet. Make your feet feel so soft and sexy that they could inspire foot fetishes.
6. Increase water temperature if required.
7. Massage a cocktail of conditioner and body wash into your legs and armpits, and shave with the vibrating razor. This concoction gives me a much closer shave than any shaving cream or gel I’ve ever tried. The conditioner softens the hair, while the body wash provides glide factor. Run your hands along the smoothness of your freshly shaven skin, seeking out and eliminating any potential scratchiness.
8. Pop the razor head off, and set it aside. Reward yourself for giving yourself such an awesome shave. Feel free to turn on the faucet again, use your detachable shower head, or make friends with your vibrating rubber ducky.
9. Wash your face, wash and condition your hair, and reward yourself as required.
   Once sufficiently clean and rewarded, step out of the bath. Pat skin dry, and anoint with body moisturizer, deodorant, and perfume. I like a mist of perfume between the breasts, and one on the back of the neck. Tone and moisturize face, or use a facial mask.
10. Wrap your fantastically soft, smooth, beautifully scented body in your robe, and partake in any of your favorite activities. You may read a book now, if you wish.

Tips & Warnings

• Baths are best enjoyed while alone in the house, or while a lover is waiting in the other room.
• Make sure all doors and windows are locked prior to your bath, in order the ward off that horrid paranoid feeling when you're rinsing your hair, and you're positive that some serial killer could have slipped into the house, and will be standing over you with a huge knife as soon as you open your eyes. Security is essential the the Selfish Hour of Self-Inflicted Bliss.
• If you become a prune, bath time is over. Move on to another self-indulgent activity.