How to Date a Smoker

There are two reasons why you'd want to date a smoker. One would be if you are one, and do not want the potential conflict of dating a nonsmoker who may give you a hard time about your habit. The other is if you're a nonsmoker attracted to the smoker -- and these tips will help for both cases.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• An attractive smoker who would like to go on a date with you
• Consideration and foresight
• A budget appropriate to the type of date you plan.

1. These tips will help you plan a great date, so memorable your smoker would like to go out with you again. A few little specifics can make all the difference, and if you have consideration of someone else's smoking habits, you are presenting yourself as someone who's willing to accept your future boyfriend/girlfriend exactly as they are. It's a wonderful impression to make.
   
   Any nonsmoker who goes beyond gruding tolerance is going to impress me. And yes, in the 21st century, I've found it's about 50-50 whether she asks him out, he asks her out, with that 10% chance it's a gay date. So let's leave gender right out of it and just go to "you're asking out a smoker."
   
   Tip #1: Even if you are not a smoker, buy a cheap lighter and keep it on you in case your date runs out of matches or loses a lighter or it runs out of fluid. If you're a starving artist going for the "free events and good conversation" type of date and don't want to put any money into it, go somewhere like a bar or some other place that has free matchbooks, snag a few and keep matches in your pocket.
   
   This can be handy for other things too, like lighting candles or incense, or starting the stove. It's not a bad habit to get into and it may score you big points with the smoker you're interested in.
2. In old movies, it was romantic for a man to light a lady's cigarette. In the 21st century, it may still be romantic in either direction. Test the waters by asking if your smoker would like a light, because even if you're a gentleman and the smoker is a lady, she may feel that's too old fashioned and patronizing. Be observant about the level of gallantry and old-fashioned style your date enjoys.
   
   This includes reversing gender on old fashioned gallantries. Many men will be amused and pleased if a lady offers to light their cigarette, and it really does work that elegantly the other way around. Cup one hand around the flame of the match without letting the heat of it burn your hand -- practice with a candle at home before trying this in front of a live person. Slowly bring the lit match or lighter toward the smoker and hold it steady. Don't bring it right to the end of your partner's cigarette. Stop with a half inch or inch left to go so that your partner moves the cigarette tip toward the flame. This avoids waving the lighter into his or her face awkwardly and also helps keep the flame from going out while you move it too fast.
   
   The smoker may touch your hand to steady the flame. This is one of the things about this small act of gallantry that makes it romantic -- it's a social excuse for a touch, slightly formal and sweet.
   
   If your date just reaches for the lighter when saying "Thanks," then don't try this old-movie trick at all, just hand her or him the lighter and score points for consideration. Sharing a light is something smokers do to socialize. It's a little bit of camaraderie. Even if your date has a lighter, offering to light the cigarette is a silent sign of acceptance. Your habits are cool to me. I take you as you are.
3. Try to find a place or activity that allows smoking. Outdoor free concerts often do. Some restaurants do. Finding a place that allows smoking and in the case of restaurants, reserving a smoking table (unless your town has an ordinance against smoking in restaurants) is a serious degree of thoughtfulness that will make the meal go a lot better and get some attention from your date. When making the reservation, ask for a smoking table.
   
   If that is not possible, then when your date gets up to go outside for a cigarette after or while waiting for the meal, at the very least don't take this as a rejection. It just means the smoker is getting a bit annoyed at waiting and really wants a smoke. It is not rude to accompany the smoker and continue your conversation.
   
   After a movie or show that's in a nonsmoking area, suggest a little bit of a walk. Your smoker will probably light up as soon as you two get outdoors, and this is a good time to offer a light or otherwise show acceptance. Or just not question that your date is going to do this.
4. Ashtrays help for cleanliness and for welcoming a smoker into your home Stellar preparedness: get a small covered metal portable ashtray, from a thrift shop or dollar store or something. Old hippie "stash boxes" work well, but truck stops also sometimes sell pocket ashtrays. Carrying that with you and offering it to the smoker you're dating when you stop somewhere for a smoke is a sign of gentility.
   
   If you plan to bring your date over to your apartment or home, be prepared that your date will want to smoke. Set out an ashtray. Be sure you have ventilation, maybe open a window so the smoke doesn't get trapped and become unpleasant. I smoke, but I don't like smoking in small closed spaces or sitting in rooms clogged with too much smoke, so good ventilation is a comfort to both. It's not rude to turn on the climate control fans. It's not even rude to purchase one of those air-filter ashtrays that suck the smoke down and filter it -- and that may be more comfortable for nonsmokers than just getting an ordinary one.
   
   The air-filter ashtrays are especially good if you're in a relationship with a smoker but have some mild reactions to the smoke. Smokers in relationships usually do not mind keeping it to one part of the house and so where the ashtray is, that's where the smoker is likely to settle down.
5. Pay attention to what your smoking date smokes, what brand and type. Discuss tobacco with her or him in a pleasant way before the date, find out if there are any expensive brands that your date treats as special-occasion treats. Bringing a pack of British import Dunhills or Sobranie Black Russian cigarettes as a small gift at the start of the date goes way beyond acceptance into pure appreciation, it says, you are so cool that I thought of something special for you.
   
   And doing that also means that if your date is absentminded and ran out, you're not interrupted by having to stop and go somewhere to find cigarettes. Do find out first though -- one thing to watch for is whether your smoker date smokes hand-rolled cigarettes. Many smokers who use them do so for cost, but others smoke homemades because there are fewer additives and they taste better. Think of that as buying good wine for a drinker -- they will probably appreciate and enjoy it, but it helps to know their tastes first.
6. If you have allergies or problems with cigarette smoke, discuss those honestly before the date. Accept that your date will want to smoke, communicate, and do not try to pressure your date not to smoke. Instead, if the smoker still wants to date you, work out agreements like smoking outdoors before the date so that everyone knows where they stand. This is also the point at which the smoker may bow out by that being too much trouble.
   
   Dating a smoker is the first small step toward maybe living with a smoker, settling down with a smoker, and to do so means accepting that your date will likely remain a smoker. While many smokers complain that they want to quit, real support is just to accept that statement and not pressure or remind them of it.
   
   If they honestly mean to, then kicking the habit is not that easy and may take years, at any time they might change their mind about that too. Some smokers say that just to be polite in today's heavy anti-smoking atmosphere, to head off the constant unwanted criticism they hear from preachy nonsmokers.
   
   No one in my over 50 years of life experience has ever quit a habit successfully or changed their habits because someone pestered them and preached at them. Persuasion is one thing, but a date is not the time for that discussion anyway. If you are really against it, then try to find a date with a nonsmoker and don't try to change the person you're with.
   
   By accepting a smoker as they are, you build trust. Break that trust and you're probably going to weaken the relationship even if it continues.
7. If your smoker likes pipes or cigars, the same thing applies for picking up a special treat, but it is usually easier to feel out what specialty cigars or pipe tobaccos please your date. The odors of cigar or pipe tobacco are strong but may also be pleasant, if you like the smell of pipe tobacco, mention that and your smoker's good taste in tobaccos. Pipe smokers especially enjoy tobacco in a way very similar to wine tasters, so finding out personal taste is very considerate and a small gift extremely special if it's well chosen.

Tips & Warnings

• Communicate well and compliment your date on things your date is genuinely proud of, or obviously put effort into. Do not compliment on smoking less unless the smoker brags "Hey, I got down to half a pack this week" or something like that, then be supportive but not pushy.
• Do not date a smoker with the intent of building a relationship and then trying to make your partner quit smoking. Give that up at the start. You can never control another person's decisions in life and you set yourself up for heartbreak by starting controlling behavior or planning it. If you date a smoker, any future relationship planning should assume your sweetie will go on being a smoker.
• Don't rudely lecture against smoking around the smoker you're planning to date, or you may see it called off before it even starts. If you're really that against it, go date a nonsmoker instead and be happy with someone whose habits are acceptable to you as they are. You'll just make both of you miserable and set yourself up for disappointment.
• Don't complain about the odor of your date's smoking. If you really want to date this person, that odor's going to become invisible through familiarity -- and if you are allergic, it would take some very major reasons why the smoker would want to go on going out with you and make serious adjustments to his or her habits to continue the relationship.