How to Be a Stepparent in a Same-Sex Relationship

Congratulations! You've met the partner of your dreams and you've made a commitment—to him or her AND to the children! It's not easy for Heather to have two mommies, and it's not easy for Heather's new mom, either. But it can be done.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Honest assesment of the situation
• Supportive friends
• Family Therapist
• Time and patience

1. Realize the weight of this decision. You're taking on not just one life, but several. Your life will never be the same: there will be times when the needs of the children will take priority over those of the couple, and many times over your own needs!
2. Be honest with the children about your relationship—the earlier the better. No matter how young, they can understand that Dad and Tom love each other and have chosen to spend their lives together. Secrecy is the worst decision: the children WILL find out and will feel betrayed if the news comes from Jason's mom's aunt.
3. Get to know the children over time. This is new for them, too. Are they used to a single parent or have they been through a divorce? They may hold back for months or even years—especially if they are teenagers.
4. Pave their way at school, especially if this is the first time their mom or dad has had a partner. Make sure school officials know that this child is in a gay-led family and ask them to alert you to any teasing.
5. Seek others in similar situations. Find out how they handle their blended family with the additional ingredient of homophobia in the schools, sports and other extracurricular activities.
6. Find a gay-friendly family therapist (most cities have a GLBT "Yellow Pages"). This is not optional. Statistics show marriages involving blended families result in a higher divorce rate than first marriages. Gay and lesbian couples are no exception.
7. Hold once-a-week family meetings. Everyone should have a voice—then parents make the final decisions.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't pass off your relationship as "just friends."
• Don't rush it. Step families take five to seven years to "gel."
• Don't expect the children to do the relationship-building—that's up to the adults.
• Don't accept abuse. Even the angriest child must learn to put limits on his behavior.
• Know that, in the end, you really won't lose your autonomy (though it may feel like it at times!) but you very well may lose your heart to a child you've come to love.