How to Deal With Grown Children Returning Home

Dealing with your children when they come back home after living away is not so easy. It is even more difficult when they bring back spouses and children. They have their own ideas about how things are run. You have to decide how you are going to handle the situation and make sure that you make things clear to them, as well.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

1. When you find out they need to return home, make sure you let them know that it is your home they are coming to and that there are certain rules and guidelines to follow.
2. Sit down with them and explain how things work around your home. Make it clear that you will not change everything just because they have returned home.
3. Sit down with the remaining siblings. Explain to them that their sisters or brothers are moving back in and try to make them understand that it will not be like it was before.
4. Then, sit down with everyone and talk about how things might be and how things should be. Explain your rules and make sure everyone knows that the rules apply to all siblings and their families.
5. Let each new addition know that they all will be included on the Chore List.
6. Explain each person's duties in detail and when they are suppose to perform them. Chores are something that can cause a lot of conflict, so be sure that everyone has equal responsibilities.
7. If there are certain circumstances, explain that to the children. For instance, my daughter is pregnant, so there are some duties she cannot do right now. Help the younger children understand if they have a few more chores than she does.
8. Make a list of rules and make sure each person understands those rules.
9. Sit down and explain each rule and allow them to ask questions or voice their views. If they say they are grown-up now and should not have any rules, straighten them out. Explain to them that everyone has rules in life and that this is your home and the rules are not going to change just for them.
10. If the older child is not married and they think they should not have a curfew, set them straight. You have a house to run and you cannot have people coming and going like it is a place of business or a hang-out. Curfews are important and they need to respect them.
11. Set a reasonable curfew that respects everyone in the household.
12. Do not compromise your rules just to please everyone. You have a home to run and younger children who need to be in bed at a certain time. The grown-ups need to understand that you cannot have them coming in and waking the whole house up at all hours of the night.
13. If your grown children do break the curfew, make sure it is only once in a while. It can only be broken in certain circumstances; like if they let you know a movie lets out a little later or if they break down.
14. Make sure you charge your grown children rent. They would not be living free if they were on their own. If you let them live free at home, they will never learn responsibility.
15. Make sure everyone does their own laundry. Do not let them take advantage of you. If you do their laundry or watch their children on a regular basis, make sure they pay you for your time and work. If you are just watching their children as a favor for a short time, that is different, but if it is on a daily basis, make sure they know it is not a free service or a favor.
16. If problems do arise, settle them quickly. Do not wait until they turn into a fight. If you must make them leave, give them at least a week to find another place to live.
17. Make a list of things that all of you can do together. There will be more harmony in the home if you spend time together.
18. It is always good to be there when the grown siblings need you, but if they are having personal problems, do not interfere unless you are asked to.
19. Make it clear that you will not let your children's children walk all over you. You should have the right to discipline them when it is needed. If the parents are present, they should deal with it, but if they do not deal with it, make it clear that you will.
20. Have family meetings at least once a month to voice any problems or differences that might be causing confusion. It is not easy when two or three different families live together, so be prepared to encounter conflict and discord.
21. Have a suggestion box that you can lock. This way if the suggestion is personal, no one else will read something they are not suppose to.
22. When confusion does arise between two or more people, bring them together to settle it. If you get three different stories, it makes it real hard to settle it.
23. Be prepared to deal with many problems and a lot of confusion until everyone adapts to each other. The younger siblings will think things are going to be the same as they use to be. You have to prepare them for a big difference now that their older siblings have their own families.
24. It is not easy when your older children return home, but if you will follow these steps, it may make it a lot easier.

Tips & Warnings

• Always make sure you have a set curfew.
• Make a chart showing what each person's responsibilities are.
• Settle problems right away so that they do not worsen.
• Be fair to everyone and make sure everyone is fair.
• Make sure they all know what you expect.
• Keep the family close by doing things together.
• Be prepared for a lot of changes.
• DO NOT let your children run your home.
• DO NOT let them take advantage of you.
• When they are working, DO NOT let them live free.
• If they are not working, make them GET A JOB!
• DO NOT let them change your house rules!