How to Deal With Divorce: Survival 101

You never saw it coming, but suddenly, you’ve been served with divorce papers the night before you are scheduled to have surgery. Not only is he not accompanying you to the hospital, but he refuses to allow you to come home to heal. All of your belongings, any access to money, and all communication with your children has been cut off. Because you have been a dedicated wife and mother for three decades+, you do not have a nest egg. And, he has hired an attorney that hates other women to the point of nearly renouncing her own gender. Where do you start, while your life is spinning out of control? Here are some tips to put you back in the driver’s seat, and save what is left of your sanity. It’s Divorce Survival 101. And, if you even THINK the D-word is in your future, heed these tips as warnings of how to brace yourself. You can never prepare enough.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

1. Not everyone can swing a degree from Yale, but nowadays most employers are asking for a degree before they even ask for an interview. FUTURE EMPLOYMENT
   Dust off that idea of decades ago, and finish your education. With any luck, you were at least already partially there and don’t have a lot to finish—minus any curriculum changes, of course. You may have changed your mind about what you want to be when you grow up, but you can still emerge smarter, better educated and ready to greet the world’s job force after graduation. Going to school will also keep your mind occupied if you feel adrift, and anchor you to a goal. Yes, there will be pressures, but having deadlines can be a healing distraction and a refreshing challenge. Plus, the younger people who surround you will energize you, and be the lift you need.
2. Get cozy; get comfy--be kind to yourself. That will help to keep your self of worth intact, and esteem throughout even the ugliest divorce. SHELTER
   Have a plan. And, a back-up. And while you are nesting, secure that space to explore your newly emerging identity. Surround yourself with things that make you feel at ease, and factor in some new ones that aren’t attached to the past. Know where you can sleep relatively unscathed, and safely store the new belongings you accrue. Settle in, even if it is temporary, creating a home for the onset of healing.
   
   It may mean tucking your tail between your legs, and moving back home, where the sudden changes in your marital status are of constant curiosity—especially among mutually peripheral relatives. But until you feel you can fully understand, let alone explain, don’t be drawn into arguments, deep philosophical discussions or family Q & A’s.
   
   Going from a larger marital home to a small room can present challenges. Try to remember: 1) it's less space to have to clean; 2) it's an incentive to stay organized, even if you're stacking totes with everything you own inside; 3) did I mention it's less space to have to clean?
   
   Have your own bed-pillows and something familiar to wrap up in, like a down comforter. Pop for some luxurious thread-count sheets, or deep baffle bedding. Look forward to re-visiting bed every night, even if sleep evades you. Too much down time might indicate depression. Learn to differentiate between the two. (More later on this subject.)
   
   Add new possessions as budgeting allows. Some—like favorite photographs you've shot yourself—-provide inexpensive decor. New frames or groupings of favorite photos avoid reflections of the past. By re-shaping the context without the pain of past events or people, you're already healing.
3. Get out and about; discover some new interests, develop some new sports or hobbies, visit some new places. SELF ESTEEM
   Keep promises to yourself. Indulge in little luxuries: long hot soaks, writing poetry while watching the sun set, working the shift YOU prefer, losing yourself in a good novel. Spend a leisurely day with the kids without punching a time-clock for meals or the demands of the outside world.
   
   Try a new hobby/food/bookstore. Subscribe to an out-of-state newspaper from a place you've always wanted to visit. Many hardware stores employ creative people—empower yourself by learning about tools. And, above all, learn to pump your own gas. If you suspect that was the reason you never left home before, rest be assured: Real women DO pump gas. Then, they go on adventures!
   
   When things are a bit more solvent, shop for others, but remember to do something special for yourself, too. It's amazingly freeing—-and therapeutic.
4. You don't have to go this far, but make sure you get SOME food to keep up your strength and spirits! FOOD
   You may be one of those women whose weight fluctuates with stress-—whose doesn’t? Chances are, the changes will result in losing weight because you won’t feel like eating, and you may even be happy with the resulting “new” you. Just be prepared to buy new clothes or alter existing ones every month or so.
   
   You'll discover new worlds in the food chain. TV dinners have changed quite a bit in recent years, and those made for one have new allure. So does eating meals on the run and not punching a time clock. Embrace comfort foods (pizza, ice cream, chocolate, chips and dip) without having to hide from the family behind the washing machine. Eat when you're hungry, even in the middle of the night. You’ll need your energy, no matter when, or how, you get it.
5. MONEY
   You. Need. It. The next rich person to declare that money doesn't buy happiness should rightfully be bludgeoned with a sock filled with quarters.
   
   If at all possible, have your own credit cards, bank account, cash and pawnable items with easy access. Be cautious spending, and if you don't already know how, learn to budget.
   
   Until the divorce is final, know by the week what's in any joint bank accounts, IRAs and stock portfolios. This is crucial, even if you're not materialistic. You may discover that your joint checking account or stock portfolio was cleaned out the previous week, even with a court hold on marital finances. With joint stocks, your broker does not have to contact you if the ex is raiding them, but he does have to tell you if you ASK. Put his number on speed-dial.
   
   Have duplicate copies of monthly or quarterly financial statements mailed to your new address. File a change of address at the post office to catch the stragglers; otherwise, you may miss bills, personal correspondence and those enticing ads for breast augmentations.
   
   Don't resist friends' offers to throw you a Starting Over Shower. Indulge in lavender dishes, totally useless knick-knacks and new linens without stains reminiscent of past family debacles.
   
   And, if you're lucky enough to have seen the divorce coming, have a tummy tuck and facelift BEFORE the divorce—-on his dime.
6. Not every new person you stay open-minded about will have a tail, just be cautious how you choose new people to share your life--and heart. SUPPORT NETWORK AND LEGAL BACK-UP
   Never underestimate the importance of girlfriends. If yours have drifted away while you've been chained to five loads of washing per day, seek them out, or form new attachments with people who accept and enjoy you. You need love and support at this crucial juncture.
   
   Then, vow to never again put friendships on a back burner due to chairing a school band fundraiser or entertaining extended family who mewls about your cooking.
   
   One of your best friends is your attorney. He'll learn more about you than he ever wanted to know, and he may vow to stay unmarried himself when it's all over. Make sure he is adept in divorce. Still, if he has scruples, you may both find yourselves at a disadvantage when the other "side" pulls an unexpected stunt. Hang tough. Your attorney will bounce back, and so will you.
   
   As you prepare your case, you may not be able to afford a private detective and that's where friends will be very "helpful." They will also see your pain, and be consoling. Here's where shopping sprees for two fit the bill when that first alimony check arrives. Be sure to buy something the ex would really hate, and let it make you smile every day.
   
   Engage a therapist to help you deal with the tougher issues, those you feel you can't share with family and friends. Check for local divorce support groups (one located a county away from your hometown is better). These are reasonably offered through churches or community centers, and often the group facilitator has a private practice for added help. If you establish a rapport with him or her, private help is available--sometimes at reduced rates.
   
   Word of caution: Try to remain emotionally unengaged in a group therapy setting when it comes to outside friendships and companions. You'll be surrounded by others in various phases of divorce—some stages you've already discovered and some you have yet to experience. As much as you may feel a kindredship, wait until you are in a better place to embrace the other members as friends, at a time when you actually have something in common other than divorce.
   
   It's especially important to spend time with others possessing healthy outlooks or you'll find yourself unable to get out of the place it'll put you in. Two drowning souls only pull each other down.
   
   And NEVER use support groups to find Mr. Right. Write a comedy monologue, yes—find a husband, NO.
7. KIDS AND FAMILY
   If possible, communicate with them before everything hits the fan. Being noble means taking it for the team, and you've probably already been doing that for years. Hold your head high and focus on survival.
   
   Don't use the kids or relatives as leverage in the divorce or make them feel insecure. The split affects them but it doesn't involve them. Realistically, a lot of divorces are Jerry Springer episodes in the making. Assure the children of two things: You will always love them, and someday you hope they will understand. Who knows—-you will probably understand some day, too!
   
   But, don't get so caught up in taking the high road that they blame YOU. It's so much easier if the two of you can part friends, especially if you have children together. Also, kids have higher expectations for moms than dads, along with the tendency to take us for granted. They WILL be judgmental and Mom may not fare as well in the process. on either a short-term or long-term basis.

Tips & Warnings

• Rise to every occasion with the class and style you know is in you-—true romance may be just around the next corner, and with any luck he will admire your savvy as well as your inner beauty.