How to Understand and Enjoy NFL if You Are a Woman

At a certain time every year in America, there is a woman who will be subjected to hours on end of fast paced, hot, steamy, sweaty, gruff, rumbling, rugged, raw, insatiating, titillating, screaming, moaning, pleasurable minute by minute, up close, "in your face," action called, NO NOT SEX, but THE NFL SEASON! Football. What's a woman to do? If you can't understand the attraction a man has for a little brown ball of leather that is pummeled up and down a field of grass while an army of men pilfer their way through barriers of opposition, to score victoriously with ball in hand, then perhaps you really don't understand the game of "football" at all. Here are some helpful tips to get you on your way to liking the game of football.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

1. Football is basically an easy game to understand and enjoy. However, a woman will need to have the necessary items readily available to her in preparation for "game day!" She will need a comfortable chair, a TV remote, surround sound system, a bowl of popcorn, other die hard fun loving football fanatics, a favorite supply of unlimited cold brews (a woman can never leave her chair during a game) sandwiches, snacks, preferably dinner (for overtime games) and some anti acids , "just in case!"
   
   There are a multitude of NFL games on TV during football season. Take your pick. To actually enjoy the game of football, invite some girlfriends over and have everyone dress in their favorite team color. The more the merrier! "Rah, Rah, Ree!"
2. Don't worry about "football terms," when watching football. There is so much to see and enjoy......, tight spandex pants on a man, grunting animal action, hip swiveling, gyrating, victory dancing, and the list goes on! Pick a favorite player and play "fantasy football." Fantasize being with your favorite player on the field, as he chases you down to the 5 yard line and tackles you from behind, wrapping his hot strong body around you like a cocoon, waiting for you to teasingly wriggle free and tempt him all over again. "Ooh, the fun of playing ball!"
3. To enjoy the game even more, have your girlfriends bring over their "male" friends and everyone select a favorite team. Play the Strip Penalty game and when a penalty is called on a player, each person who is pulling for that team has to take off one article of clothing. Cheering for your team in the nude never was so much fun and when the popcorn spills on you, you don't mind getting it all over you! GO TEAM GO!
4. If you happen to be watching the game of football with your significant other, slowly undress, trying not to disturb him from the action on the TV. See how long it takes him for him to notice that you are totally unclothed. Once you are completely nude, stand up and offer him a drink and popcorn during the commercial. This will usually result with a "score!"
5. When teams on a football team are tied, the action is hot! This is called the "climax" of the game. You may find yourself verbally causing an arrangement of clauses in ascending order of forcefulness, however certain literary usage is understandably accepted. During moments like these, it is suggested that all remotes and hard objects be hidden out of sight for safety precautions. Everyone wants their team to win.
6. At the conclusion of a football game, take a break, go out for some fresh air, stretch, kiss the dog, check the fridge for some of that decadent dessert you have been craving and relocate the remote. Call the pizza delivery. It's gonna be a long night. Hey, after all, it is an "NFL" season......"NIGHT'S FEMALE'S LOVE!"