How to Discuss Estranged Family with a Child After Child Abuse

Many adult survivors of child abuse are estranged from their families. Sometimes the child abuse survivor breaks contact by setting healthy boundaries, and sometimes the abusive family ostracizes the abuse survivor after a confrontation about the past abuse. Regardless of who caused the separation, the child abuse survivor's children will have questions about why they never visit with certain relatives. These inquiries put the child abuse survivor in the difficult position of deciding what information to share about their abusive pasts with their children. Here is how to discuss estranged family with your child after child abuse.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. Decide how much information to share. This decision will be influenced by how much of your history you want to keep private and by the age of your child. You are in control over how much information to share with your child. Err on the side of sharing too little information. You can always share more later, but you cannot "untell" information when you share too much.

2. Explain the reason for the estrangement in general terms. For example, if your concern is that your abusive family member could harm your child, then tell your child that it is unsafe for your child to visit rather than get into the specifics of why. Telling a child that the family member is mentally ill is a good way to explain the gravity of the situation without getting into specifics.

3. Tell the truth. Do not make up a story, such as that your family members are dead. Keep your discussions truthful without going into detail. Instead of saying, "Your grandfather used to rape me," say that the family member hurt you when you were little, and you do not want the family member to hurt your child, too. Explain that you do not want people in your life who are hurtful.

4. Avoid sharing too many details. Your children are still children and do not need to know the gory details about the abuses that you suffered. Save the detailed conversations for discussions with your therapist or close friends.

5. Reassure your child that you love him. Some children might fear that, if you could walk away from your own parents, then you could walk away from your children, too. Tell your child that there is nothing he could ever do to make you stop loving him or leave him.

Tips & Warnings

• Finding a qualified therapist with experience in counseling people with your abuse history is an important part of healing from child abuse. Your therapist can provide you with additional tools for talking with your children about your estranged abusive family members.