How to Decide Whether to Reconcile With Abusive Family Member

People who were abused by family members often have conflicted feelings about whether reconciliation is a good idea.

When adult survivors of child abuse focus on healing from their pasts, they often cut ties, or greatly reduce contact, with the family members who abused them. After doing the hard work of healing, adult survivors of child abuse are faced with the issue of whether or not to reconcile with abusive family members. Unlike situations in which the abuser was outside of the family, people who were abused by family members often have conflicted feelings about whether reconciliation is a good idea. On the one hand, survivors of child abuse understandably do not want to spend time with someone who traumatized them. On the other hand, the abuser is family, and staying apart creates complications for family get-togethers and can interfere with relationships with family members who were not abusive. Whether or not to reconcile with an abusive family member is a personal choice. Here is how to decide whether to reconcile with an abusive family member.

Instructions

1. Complete the healing process. While you will always face residue from your abuse history, you will reach a place when you no longer actively need to heal your gaping emotional wounds from childhood. Until those wounds are healed, you are not ready to reconcile with your abusive family member. If you have not fully healed your emotional wounds, then spending time with your abusive family member will cause you to feel unsafe, which will impede your healing progress.

2. Assess whether your abusive family member wants to reconcile with you. It takes two people to make a relationship work. If your abusive family member does not want you in his life, then there is no point in seeking to reconcile at this time.

3. Identify your reasons for seeking reconciliation. What do you hope to gain by bringing your abuser back into your life? In what ways will your life improve by having that person in your life?

4. Analyze the cost of reconciling with your abusive family member. Are you still vulnerable to this person's influence over you? Do you have children who could be put into danger by having this person in your life again?

5. Determine whether the benefits of reconciling with your abusive family member outweigh the cost. If the cost is too high, then reconciling at this time is not a good idea. However, if the cost is minimal and you see many benefits, then now might be the time to seek reconciliation.

Tips & Warnings

• Reconciliation is not a necessary step in healing from the abuse. Choosing not to reconcile with your abusive family member will not impede your ability to heal.

• You do not have to reconcile with your abusive family member today. It is OK to consider the possibility of a future reconciliation and wait until you feel ready.

• Talk with a qualified therapist about your decision. Your therapist can help you make an informed decision about whether reconciling with your abuser is in your best interest. Your therapist can also provide advice about how to protect yourself in this new relationship.

• Set very firm boundaries if you choose to reconcile with your abusive family member. Although you have changed through the healing process, your abuser might still expect to be in control of your relationship. You need to set and enforce the boundaries of your relationship.

• Protect your children. Once a person has harmed a child, he should never be trusted to spend time alone with another child.