How to Decide Whether to Confront Abuser After Child Abuse

Part of healing from child abuse is deciding whether to confront your abuser as an adult. Some people feel a strong need to confront their abuser face-to-face, while others choose to send a confrontational letter. Confronting an abuser is not a necessary part of healing from child abuse, but a confrontation can be healing by enabling an abuse survivor to be heard after a lifetime of being silenced. Confronting an abuser is emotionally taxing, so a child abuse survivor should weigh out the costs versus the benefits. Here is how to decide whether to confront your abuser after child abuse.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. Identify what you hope to gain by confronting your abuser. Will you feel empowered by talking about the abuse openly with your abuser? Are you hoping that your abuser will apologize? Are you seeking answers to questions, such as why you were abused? Or are you seeking to target your anger directly at its source? Does your confrontation have the potential of protecting another child from being abused?

2. Analyze the cost of confronting your abuser. What relationships might be damaged by bringing your abuse history into the open? (For example, is there a risk that your mother might cut you out of her life if you accuse your father of abusing you?) How will you manage the stress of confronting your abuser? How will you react if your abuser denies what he did? What if your abuser tries to justify his actions or refuses to apologize? Who, other than your abuser, might be harmed by your confrontation? Is the benefit of confrontation worth the harm that others might experience?

3. Evaluate the cost of not confronting your abuser. Will your silence enable your abuser to have continued access to other children? Will staying silent impede your ability to heal from your past? Will you regret not confronting your abuser after he passes away?

4. Weigh out the benefits versus the cost of confronting your abuser. Determine whether what you hope to gain outweighs what you have to lose.

5. Decide whether or not to confront your abuser. If you go through this process and determine that you do not want to confront your abuser at this time, you are still making a choice rather than being silenced. Choosing not to confront your abuser can be as powerful as choosing to confront because you are actively making this choice about your life.

Tips & Warnings

• Finding a qualified therapist with experience in counseling people with your abuse history is an important part of healing from child abuse. Your therapist can help you make an informed decision about whether confronting your abuser is in your best interest.
• Do not rush into the decision of confronting your abuser. You can always confront him later, but you cannot go back and "undo" a confrontation. Make sure you are certain this is the best decision before moving forward.
• Be realistic about what you hope to gain by confronting your abuser. If your expectations are unrealistic, you will set yourself up for further pain.

[jull14]

on 6/15/2009 Such an interesting article and very helpful. I love to read article that can help me,and this one did. Thanks