How to Discuss Estranged Family After Child Abuse

Many adult survivors of child abuse are estranged from their families. In some cases, the child abuse survivor is the one to break contact by setting healthy boundaries in her life. In other cases, the abusive family ostracizes the abuse survivor when she confronts her abuser or talks about the past abuse. The family rallies around the abuser, choosing to live in denial rather than face the truth. Regardless of who is responsible for the estrangement, the abuse survivor is left in the difficult position of answering innocent inquiries about her family without sharing the details of the reasons for the estrangement. Here is how to discuss estranged family after child abuse.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Confidence
• Courage

1. Build confidence that limiting your contact with abusive family members is the best decision. Reassure yourself that you have the right to choose who is in your life. Also, if you have children, remind yourself that keeping them away from abusive family members is sparing them the pain that you have endured. You deserve to spend your time with people who are respectful, not abusive.

2. Recognize that most people are not going to react positively to hearing that you are estranged from your family. People can be judgmental about family ties and assume that no action could warrant cutting a family member out of your life.

3. Answer an innocent inquiry with a token response. If someone asks how your father is doing, say, "Fine." If anyone asks when you last saw your uncle, say, "It has been a while."

4. Change the subject. As soon as you give a token response, change the subject. Asking the other person a question is a good way to move the conversation in a different direction. Most people enjoy talking about themselves and will not even notice or care that you changed the subject.

5. End further inquiry firmly. If the person brings the conversation back to your family, firmly state, "I really do not want to talk about my family." Support your statement by using your voice tone and body language to communicate that you are serious.

6. Walk away. If the other person refuses to respect your boundaries, then walk away. Only you can force yourself to continue having an unpleasant conversation. The conversation will have to end if you are walking out the door.

Tips & Warnings

• Child abuse survivors often struggle with standing up for themselves and enforcing personal boundaries. The more you practice these skills, the easier they become.
• Finding a qualified therapist with experience in counseling people with your abuse history is an important part of healing from child abuse. Your therapist can provide you with additional tools for thwarting uncomfortable questions about your estranged family.

[FaithAllen]

on 11/14/2008 Have you entered into therapy yourself? If you will heal your own emotional wounds, it will be much more attractive to your daughter to invite you back into her life. The best gift you can give your daughter (and yourself) is a healthier you.

Take care,

- Faith

[FaithAllen]

on 11/14/2008 eHow cut me off!!

The reality is that your daughter is an adult and mother. As an adult, she does not have to interact with ANYONE she does not want to, even her own mother. She is under no obligation to keep you in her life.

That being said, a part of her still craves a mother's love. As her mother, it would be great for you to be the one to fill that role in her life, but she needs you to be emotionally healthy to do it.

From what you have shared, you had a baby with a man who does drugs and is on disability. You then married a man who molested your daughter. The fact that you chose not one, but two, men who were emotionally destructive tells me that you have emotional issues to deal with yourself. Otherwise, you would have chosen healthier mates.

Have you entered into therapy yourself? If you will heal your own emotional wounds, it will be much more attractive to your daug

[FaithAllen]

on 11/14/2008 Frequently, sexual abuse survivors have the childhood pain dredged up when they become parents. They more fully grasp how vulnerable they were as children, and they appreciate more deeply the level of betrayal that was involved in allowing a child to experience abuse. Your daughter is likely dealing with a lot of this in her new role as a mother.

You daughter's father was not involved with the molestation, but you were. From her perspective, it was your job as her mother to protect her, and you failed in this responsibility. This is an issue that she will need to work through as part of healing.

Frequently, sexual abuse survivors feel even more anger toward the non-offending parent. They see the abuser as a monster but the non-offending parent as the one who could have stopped the abuse but didn't. Whether or not that is "fair" is a different issue.

The reality is that your dau

[TYPICALME]

on 11/14/2008 What if their are 2 parents involved, and the kids talk to the one that had no part in raising them? I made so many mistakes, and I married someone that I should have recognized as a bad person, but I didn't and as a result my daughter was molested. She had therapy and she seemed well adjusted for many years, until recently, she married 2 years ago and had a baby 10 months ago, I have been close but her husband doesn't like me, and blames me for everything to the point of keeping her away from me now, and yet she is still involved with her Dad! He is still on drugs and disability, (I have never abused drugs or alcohol) I did however make many other mistakes.

So, my question is, although I am responsible do I deserve to be cast out and not even alowed to see my daughter and Grandchild?