How to Discuss Estranged Family After Child Abuse

Many adult survivors of child abuse are estranged from their families. In some cases, the child abuse survivor is the one to break contact by setting healthy boundaries in her life. In other cases, the abusive family ostracizes the abuse survivor when she confronts her abuser or talks about the past abuse. The family rallies around the abuser, choosing to live in denial rather than face the truth. Regardless of who is responsible for the estrangement, the abuse survivor is left in the difficult position of answering innocent inquiries about her family without sharing the details of the reasons for the estrangement. Here is how to discuss estranged family after child abuse.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Confidence
• Courage

1. Build confidence that limiting your contact with abusive family members is the best decision. Reassure yourself that you have the right to choose who is in your life. Also, if you have children, remind yourself that keeping them away from abusive family members is sparing them the pain that you have endured. You deserve to spend your time with people who are respectful, not abusive.
2. Recognize that most people are not going to react positively to hearing that you are estranged from your family. People can be judgmental about family ties and assume that no action could warrant cutting a family member out of your life.
3. Answer an innocent inquiry with a token response. If someone asks how your father is doing, say, "Fine." If anyone asks when you last saw your uncle, say, "It has been a while."
4. Change the subject. As soon as you give a token response, change the subject. Asking the other person a question is a good way to move the conversation in a different direction. Most people enjoy talking about themselves and will not even notice or care that you changed the subject.
5. End further inquiry firmly. If the person brings the conversation back to your family, firmly state, "I really do not want to talk about my family." Support your statement by using your voice tone and body language to communicate that you are serious.
6. Walk away. If the other person refuses to respect your boundaries, then walk away. Only you can force yourself to continue having an unpleasant conversation. The conversation will have to end if you are walking out the door.

Tips & Warnings

• Child abuse survivors often struggle with standing up for themselves and enforcing personal boundaries. The more you practice these skills, the easier they become.
• Finding a qualified therapist with experience in counseling people with your abuse history is an important part of healing from child abuse. Your therapist can provide you with additional tools for thwarting uncomfortable questions about your estranged family.