How to Spot a Loser Date

If you finally got a date this year and you wonder if there'll be a second, watch for these telltale signs:

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• Common Sense
• Steely Nerves
• Ridiculously High Self Esteem
• Mad Money

1. Glazing: If his attention drifts while you're telling him about yourself, your job, your cat, your mother's colonoscopy, etc., he just isn't into you. He will probably crawl out the men's room window at the restaurant, and stiff you with the check.
2. Fake yawning: Staring elsewhere or repetitive glancing toward the hot chick seated at the table behind you, when you aren't looking, are bad signs. This signaling of disinterest that can only mean he won't be calling you tomorrow, or ever.
3. Temporary Abandonment: If you find him sitting with the hot chick and putting her cell phone number in his phone when you return from the ladies room, it's probably not a good sign. Temporary abandonment is the predecessor to permanent abandonment.
4. Movie Selfishness: If he asks you what movie you want to see, and then clutches his stomach with pretend food poisoning if you pick "Georgia Rules" change your choice to "Delta Farce" to check. If he suddenly gets better, he is self-involved and you're wasting your time. Move on, AFTER you've made him sit through the worst chick flick playing.
5. Feigned Transmission Failure: If you didn't even make it to dinner because he's pretending that his gearshift is stuck by not using the clutch and he's asking you to get out here so that he can get home and fix his car, key it quietly as he drives away.
6. Pretending to be Cheap: if he makes a scene asking the waitress to remove the "extra cheese" charge from the bill because in his opinion there was marginal extra cheese, after muttering about how expensive it is to eat there at Waffle Queen, that's not good. If he asks you to "go Dutch" after the meal, so he can pay his therapist tomorrow, that's even worse. Run don't walk to the bus stop.
7. Being CHEAP: If his idea of a second date is to ask you to babysit his dog & cat, pick up some food for them with your own money, and wash his laundry while he goes fishing, you are so lame you deserve him. Slap yourself and have some friends over for a "loser" intervention.

Tips & Warnings

• Always carry "MAD" money. Use it to pay for dinner and get a cab home (if you have to) when a date goes sour.
• Always have a few self-adhesive "Loser" stickers handy for his trunk lid and rear bumper to warn other innocent women about him.
• Never let a loser make you feel like you're the problem with your love life, even if you ARE the problem.
• Have a positive attitude, even if you're only positive you can do better.