How to Cope When Your Partner is Suddenly Called to Military Duty

One of the most difficult challenges loved ones of military members ever face is unexpected deployment--those times when personnel must leave their families for missions worldwide on very little advance notice. Being able to cope with sudden separation can seem next to impossible for many of those left behind. The following tips are designed to help newcomers to military life gain a sense of normalcy to their lives during such periods of uncertainty and worry.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

1. Taking things one day at a time will get you through the rough spots. Stay busy. Keeping yourself productively occupied is essential to surviving sudden military movement. Start working out at the gym, take a class in something you enjoy or volunteer regularly in your community or through your church. Start a blog on the Internet to attract the interaction and support of others in the same situation. It's important to do what you can to maintain a positive point of view.
2. Let your kids and their needs keep you centered . Help your children cope. Involve them (and yourself) with craft projects, baking sessions and round table board games. Form play groups with other parents, have movie nights, make popcorn and treats together. Maintain a "he/she went there" military map, noting places your military loved one visits and have the kids research them. Remember, your children need you to maintain a sense of normalcy and positive outlook to prevent them from feeling too anxious about that absent family member. They need to know that you are strong enough to lean on and that you will help them understand their own feelings of sadness and loss.
3. If all else fails, read an absorbing book you just can't put down. Concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. Seriously consider getting a job, going back to school, joining clubs and groups in the community, doing something positive to thrust yourself forward. It's critical to your own state of mind to keep yourself in motion, focused on positive activity, consuming the time you might spend doing nothing while worrying and obsessing on the fate of your loved one while waiting for news from overseas.
4. There's strength in numbers, especially by those who are bound by the same cause. Join the command's spouse/significant other support group. Those who attend these meetings are going through the same experiences you are. No one will be able to relate to what you are going through better than someone sharing the same emotional challenges.
5. Relationships grow stronger through words intimately written . Correspond constantly with your deployed partner. Write letters via snail mail and email as available, but don't drag your partner down with your negative thoughts and complaints. It makes it so much more difficult for deployed personnel when their partners complain or threaten or behave in ways that make the sailor, soldier, airman or marine doubt or question or feel insecure about their relationships back home. What they're doing on active duty is tough enough. Remember, you are no good to your partner (and he/she is no good to the command} if you are absolutely miserable. You can tell him/her that you are feeling a bit blue today, but emphasize that you know you will feel better tomorrow. Letters should be sent numbered on envelopes or within the subject line of emails, so they can be read in their proper order.
6. It's normal to feel so frustrated at times that you think you can't handle another minute alone. Release your emotions. Cry when you need to, scream if you have to and readily reach out to seek the comfort and advice others have to offer to help you cope. It's important to channel your emotions into positive outlets to let your partner, who is just as frightened and sad as you are, know you're in control and behind their efforts 100 percent.
7. You don't have to go through this difficult time alone. Get help if you need it. If you think you need counseling, pick up the phone and make that call. If you worry that you are drinking too much or taking too many sedatives to get through the day or to sleep at night, take that step and reach out for help. Local hospitals offer all sorts of help lines for those in need. Local clergymen can also refer you. On the Internet, help in dealing with traumatic stress is also available.
8. Hometown family and friends are there when you need them. Go home. If worry and fear gets the better of you, run for the closest, safest escape hatch by moving back to your own hometown, but don't pull up stakes completely. When you gather up the kids and make that trip back home, keep paying the rent and maintaining the utilities on your home where you are stationed. Living in military housing? Let the Housing Office know it's an extended visit you are taking and that you will be back. Inform your command ombudsman or representative where you are going: address, phone number, mom and dad's name (first and last), someone else in town that can find you. Let your neighbors here know where you will be, too. It's a good idea to let a family member of at least two others in your military member's division to have the same information.
9. By giving and helping, you make yourself that much stronger. Support your partner by supporting the troops. Organize a group to put together care packages for specific troop members who are deployed, including your own. Those in your neighborhood and in the command support group will be eager volunteers for such a project. Send deployed members hard to get items or favorite reading material, tape/CD recordings, pictures of family/friends. Make sure that you send all packages specifically addressed to military personnel. The Armed Forces no longer accepts packages addressed to "Any Service Member" for global security reasons.

Tips & Warnings

• You will experience many highs and lows emotionally as you survive this deployment. You'll go through days of despair and weeks of wondering why you married or got involved with this absent person. It's normal to feel this way.
• Try to find one good thing about every single day, even if it is just that the day is over and you are one day closer to homecoming. If you keep a positive outlook, time will pass and soon you will be together again. Then, you'll be able to advise someone else on how to deal with such difficult periods of deployment.
• Don't sit and stare at the TV news channels, waiting for something to happen. You'll only frustrate and worry yourself needlessly.
• Don't panic if snail mail takes months for letters to get to the deployed member or it takes months for you to get snail mail in return. Email is great, but don't be surprised if you don't get as many as you normally would when the company was only out for a few weeks at time. Email will be limited and probably censored before you get it. Anything you send may also be censored before it is delivered to the deployed member. Remember, this is for national security so watch what you say or send electronically.
• Don't listen to rumors. They're bound to circulate wildly during periods of sudden deployment. The best person to talk to is your command representative or ombudsman. They have accurate information that can be released and shared with you.
• No matter what, don't panic and try your best to stay calm. Remaining in control at all times is important for yourself and your kids, too.