How to Define Your Deal Breakers
If you ask people what they would do if their partner cheated, I'm pretty sure most of them would tell you that they wouldn't stand for it. If you ask people whether or not they would keep a significant other who lied, drank too much, overspent, lazed around or put them down, I'm pretty sure that most of them would tell you no. Why then do so many people end up staying for way too long in relationships that are less than fulfilling? Defining your deal breakers is a worthwhile endeavor to ensure that you get the love that you deserve.
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Instructions
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Acknowledge your secret desires. Many of us never let the vision of our ideal partner even enter our minds for fear that our realities will fall short of that ideal. Trust that the love of your dreams does exist and is worth pursuing.
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Adopt relationship role models. Look to people around you who have relationships that are built on respect, honesty, love and a shared desire to help each other reach their ultimate potential. What qualities and actions can you adopt to cultivate these types of relationships into your own life?
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Get clear about what really matters. All relationships require some amount of compromise. No person is going to match you point for point. For example, it is important for me to have a man who is active, but does that mean he has to enjoy all the same activities that I do like running, mountain biking, yoga and Lindy Hop? No. To me it matters more that we both value an active lifestyle, not that we love all the same activities. Other traits that matter to me are an ability to communicate easily, a willingness to spend money thoughtfully, a passionate sex life and a dedication to being truthful in all aspects of life.
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Once you know what will make you stay, clarify what will make you walk away. Be specific. Again, using myself as an example, I will not stay with a man who is not active, who harbors anger and lashes out, who uses drugs, who holds extreme fundamentalist beliefs of any sort, who makes me feel pressured, and who does not treat me with kindness and respect in every situation, even when we disagree.
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Commit to leave when a deal breaker arises. The other day I met a woman who told me she realized on her honeymoon that her new husband was not the right man for her. She didn't leave him for seventeen years, however, and now she is filled with regret and wishes she had acted sooner. Remember, the point of defining your deal breakers is to ensure that you will have the type of love you truly want.
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Trust your gut. Sometimes a person looks good on paper and may even match all the items on your ideal partner "checklist," but still something doesn't feel right. A bad feeling is deal breaker enough, because sometimes the body knows the reason before the mind can put words to what's wrong.
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Seek support when it's time to say goodbye. Defining your deal breakers is easy when you are not in a relationship, but when you love somebody it feels like death pulling yourself away--even when something isn't right. Surround yourself with friends who will validate your decision and remind you that better times lie ahead.
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Do not fear. Staying in a bad relationship because you are afraid that a good relationship will never come along is the quickest way to ensure that a good relationship never comes along. Let your actions be motivated by the inspiration to create a better life for yourself rather than the desperation to cling on to what is familiar.
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Tips & Warnings
Deal breakers are not just for romantic relationships, but can be applied to friendships and even work relationships as well. We all deserve to have all of our relationships carry us higher and bring out our brightest, most satisfied and successful selves.
