How to Stop Trying to Control a Teenager

When you try to exercise parental control over a teenager, you can't win, because the goal is to help your teen become a self-directed, productive adult--not a passive, subservient one. A teen who feels controlled becomes angry or depressed, defeating your parental purpose. This doesn't mean that you must stop setting limits for your teen, but it's important to let go of what you can't or shouldn't control.

Instructions

1. Recognize that you're engaged in a struggle for power, and that teenagers need some autonomy to grow into healthy adults. If you have frequent arguments with your teenager and feel a lot of frustration as a parent, you need to step back and see your own role in the conflict. You are the adult, so it is up to you to change your focus from parental control to improving the relationship.

2. Work on developing a more positive relationship with your teenager. Every week, do something fun with your teen. During this activity, refuse to engage in negative conversation about your teen's homework, choice of friends, or whatever might spark an argument. Praise and encourage your teen for any positive behaviors, no matter how small.

3. Decide which of your teen's negative behaviors need the most attention, and set consequences for these behaviors-natural and logical consequences are most effective. Write down these behaviors and consequences, and show them to your teen. Recognize that some negative behaviors are less significant than others, and let go of parental control in these areas. Be sure to also write down positive consequences, such as a later curfew on weekends for appropriate behavior.

4. Guide your teen to engage in productive, fun extracurricular activities. These can be volunteer opportunities, sports or any other activities that develop their skills and replace inappropriate or unproductive behaviors. Don't choose the activity for your teen; let him or her select the activity.

5. Hold regular meetings with your teen wherein self-expression and conflict are acceptable. Discuss the rules for these meetings: no name-calling, threatening or yelling. Without judging or arguing, lay aside parental control and just listen to your teen's frustration during these meetings. It's okay to restate the consequences for your teen's inappropriate behavior, if necessary, but also express your love during these meetings.

6. Record your feelings about parenting in a journal every week-or even every day. Be sure to write down not only negative, but also positive feelings. This provides an outlet for your anxiety as a parent, allowing you to let go of the need to control your teen. It also allows you to reflect on what is working in the relationship, and as you focus more on your teen's positive attributes, he or she will become more self-directed and you can eliminate parental control.

7. Read a book by Robert T. Bayard, "How to Deal With Your Acting up Teenager: Practical Help for Desperate Parents," and follow the steps outlined. The concepts in this book will help you understand the delicate balance between your teen's needs for freedom and guidance. The book also offers practical ways to help a teen who is out of control.