How to Gain a Parent's Trust

It's important for children to understand from a young age that everything they say and do has consequences. Older elementary- and middle-school-age children, in particular, should understand that how they communicate with their parents affects the level of trust later when the child is older and wants more freedom. Help lay a strong foundation of trust by modeling honesty, personal responsibility and open communication beginning when your children are young.

Instructions

1. Teach your child to tell the truth. This may seem like common sense--and it is--but many parents forget to explicitly discuss the benefits of telling the truth with their developing children. Explain to your child that when she tells the truth--about both minor and major things--that goes a long way to building trust between she and you, the parents.

2. Communicate clearly and teach your child to do the same. Be explicit in your expectations. If you want your child to call you when he gets off the bus at his friend's house for an after school play date, tell him that. Don't just assume he'll know enough to do so. Make it safe for your child to also state his wishes in situations that affect him. If you and your child communicate clearly from early on, it will be much easier to maintain a trusting relationship when he becomes older.

3. Demonstrate personal responsibility for your child. Meet your obligations. Keep your promises. And expect the same of your child. If your child learns how to take personal responsibility for things like homework assignments, sports practices and household chores, he'll be more likely to prove reliable and trustworthy later on.

4. Do the right thing--even when it's hard. If you are in a situation that calls for you to do the right thing but doing so might have negative consequences for you, consider it a teachable moment. Discuss it with your child, so that your child knows even adults have trouble doing the right thing sometimes.

5. Build a meaningful two-way communication with your child, and listen to your child. Make it clear that you would rather hear important things from her than through the grapevine. And impress upon your child that, even if the subject is something she fears you will be upset by such as drugs, alcohol, sex or poor grades, that you would much rather she be honest and open with you than worry excessively or put herself at risk.

6. Stay calm when your child shares difficult information with you. That isn't to say you should not react firmly if the situation calls for it. But if you stay reasonably calm when your child confides (or confesses) misdeeds or concerns about peers to you, she'll be much more likely to take you into her confidence when faced with big decisions and tough choices.

7. Give your child logical consequences when he lies to you. Sure, all parents think their children are above lying, but even the best child fibs once in a while. When he does, give him a consequence that fits the crime. If he lied about taking an extra handful of cookies before dinner, don't give him dessert. If he lied about where he was going with friends, ground him. Just make sure the consequence fits the deed.

Tips & Warnings

• Remember to reward your child with words of praise when he demonstrates personal responsibility and trustworthiness.

• Role play trustworthy behavior with your older children early and often. For example, if you want your teenager to call you for a ride from a party where her friend who drove her there is now drinking, play it out. Make sure your child has the skills and the tools to be trustworthy, too. If you want her to call for a ride from a party, make sure she has a fully charged cell phone with her before she leaves the house.