How to Address Hot Topics Without Getting Heated

I used to live in a tiny apartment with very thin walls. One Friday night I was listening to music while getting ready to go out when I heard pounding come through my ceiling. I thought my upstairs neighbor must have dropped something accidentally, so I ignored it and went on applying my mascara. Moments later it happened again and I realized what was going on. My neighbor was deliberately stomping on her floor as a way to ask me to turn down my music. I was furious. My first response was to run upstairs and curse her out. "This is a horrible way to communicate! If you want me to turn the volume down, walk downstairs and knock on my door! Besides, my music isn't even that loud. Get a life! It's seven o'clock on a Friday night." Luckily I caught myself before embarking on my tirade and instead walked upstairs, knocked on her door and asked calmly, "Are you trying to tell me to turn my music down?" She nodded and I responded, "I'm happy to do so, but next time, please just ask. The pounding is quite passive aggressive." She agreed and we came away with a lovely solution. I would be more aware of my music's volume. She would stop stomping as a form of communication. When it comes to human relationships, whether with a neighbor, a lover, a parent, a sibling, a friend or a coworker, one of the most important skills to develop is diplomacy. Read on and learn how to address touchy subjects without losing your cool.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• A desire to maintain healthy relationships.
• An understanding that that connection is more important and fulfilling than righteousness.

1. Acknowledge that you are a social creature who needs people. A life without others would be a lonely, difficult endeavor. Peaceful, compassionate relationships are the foundation of a satisfying life.
2. Exhale and inhale. Exhale and inhale. As the intensity levels skyrocket, use your breath to return you to a grounded state.
3. Get your argument clear in your mind before opening your mouth. If your head is spinning and your thoughts are jumbled, if you feel enraged and you cannot form a sensible, articulate sentence, then this is not the time to talk things over.
4. Release your anger first. Sit in your car alone and let the expletives fly. Take a brisk walk. Kick a heavy bag. It is always okay to feel your frustration and express it in a way that frees you from it. It is never okay to fuel your anger or dump it onto another person.
5. Let the other person talk first. Instead of diving right in with your litany, allow the other person to give his or her perspective before you say what’s going on for you.
6. Breathe.
7. Listen, listen, listen. Don’t form your argument as the other person speaks. Don’t interrupt. If you have a hard time listening because of irritation or rage, repeat the following sentence in your head: I am listening and I want to come to an agreement.
8. Find at least one valid point in what the other’s argument and say, "I see your point."
9. When it’s your turn to talk, stay on topic. Now is not the time to dredge up hurts from the past. Come to an agreement on this particular topic. Once you’re stormy interaction has calmed (give it a week or so) you can begin working on any past issues that need resolving.
10. Embrace common views. You will not be in accordance on every point and that’s okay. Shift the discussion from where you disagree to where you agree.
11. Stand your ground only when it’s truly important and let everything else go. Getting hung up on the nit-picky particulars won’t get you any closer to an agreement.
12. If the interaction continues to escalate, leave the scene. Just as it isn’t okay for you to dump your anger on another, it is not okay for others to dump their anger on you.
13. Did I mention breathe?