How to rescue your elderly Aunt from senility(disorientation) using "dinner party therapy"

When my 84 year old Aunt tripped over her poodle the spring of 2005 we all thought that this would be the end of her. She spent months in "Rehab" which seemed to me like a nice word for a Nursing Home. It didn't look good for her. She needed a hip replacement, and even when she did get back to her luxury doorman apartment building on East 95th, the prognosis didn't look so good. She was in and out of reality, very often not remembering who anyone was or what day, month or year it was. The poor old British woman it would seem, had come to no good end, and her demise seemed inevitable. After a good cry I tried to think of a way to "bring her back." I literally banged my head against the wall, and then it came to me. I would host a series of dinner parties at her house and invite various and assorted friends from all walks of life. I thought that in this way she'd be put in a position to "dress, think about the menu, and engage in lively conversation." (these things were always important to her). It took about six months of serving/waiting on/cleaning up and entertaining with her, but in no time she was back in the swing of things (lucid enought) and well enough by December's end to attend the ball at her favorite clubhouse (black tie!) on New Year's Eve. I offer these suggestions to those of you out there in similar situations-wringing your hands and ready to lose hope - with the confidence that you too may have great results. If nothing else, it beats sitting around not knowing what to do.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• a menu. If they're just out of the hospital stick with something bland
• some close/good friends
• oven/cooking facilities
• patience
• witty repartee

1. Two Aunties for one! Step One, approach your elderly Aunt (or whomever) with the idea. If they're like my aunt, they'll love it! She was always good at giving dinner parties with Uncle Alan in the 1960's -so go with a theme they are familiar with. Don't limit yourself to time frame. Throw a sixites dress up party if you must. Make it fun for youself as well as your relative!
2. Once you've got their approval (which could be in and out), plan a menu. What will you serve? I always start with something that's simple and portable (cooked at home and easily microwaved!). I wasn't sure at the time what kinds of pots and pans were in the kitchen. Chicken and rice is easy. And always a dessert. Whatever they were accustomed to.
3. Plan a time frame. You need to be as structured as possible. Decide how many dinner parties you need to give. I was giving at one point between three and four a week (with days of rest between them). Obviously the more dinner parties you give the better chance of bringing your relative back to reality.
4. Guest list. It's very important to have a wide variety of different guests who can come in and are up to spending a few hours having a nice meal with wine (which I find very helpful) and lively conversation (the wine helps the conversation - the chattier the better). Whenever friends would come to visit, I would always try to fit in a visit to my Aunt's house. I explained to them what was going on and they were very helpful. The important thing is to engage your relative in conversation. And if Auntie got confused as to who was Prime Minister of England or who the current President was, we just went along with her! It was great fun.
5. Plan out the meals. I started with the blander things and then as time progressed I tried my hand at some of the more English meals she had at home as a girl. Once she started to complain about how awful my cooking was or how "we never served it this way at home..." I knew she was well on her way to recovery. The idea is to get them involved!
6. Conversation is vital!!!! I can't stress this enough. Talk about everything and anything. Bring up their memories from the past. Try to get on topics that she/he cared about deeply or even angered/excited them. My Aunt once took a guest to court over a 300 year old plate that got broken! Once we got her started talking on that, there was no stopping her. Now she complains bitterly about current events.
7. There will come a time when you have run out of energy and you'll see/ or not see any improvement. You need to have an end date for the seemingly endless stream of dinner parties. When you assess what the date is gradually ween your loved one off of them (as they become quite addictive both for you and your relative) and then you can get down to one or two a month. My Aunt and I now go out more than stay in entertaining!

Tips & Warnings

• Be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day. It takes time. But if you plan the dinner party, you'll find (if it's something your loved one enjoyed in the past) they'll find ways to remember
• Don't be afraid to ask for outside help from family and friends. If it works, everyone involved benefits. My friends were so pleased when they came months later to find Auntie up on her feet, very current and planning for future events, and parties and holidays
• Try other things. Maybe dinner parties weren't your relative's thing. Maybe they liked bowling or poetry readings...whatever it was, you can help them if you find your way back into their past, and delve these things out.
• Don't expect thanks from them. But you'll know there is gratitude. And even if they don't thank you, their improvement will be more than enough reward for all your hard efforts.
• You need to know when your efforts are futile. While this worked for my Aunt's condition, there are certain forms of senility to which no amount of party planning can aid. Know the condition of your loved one.
• don't believe everything the doctors tell you. My Aunt's doctors told me that she was on her way out. I had to trust my intuition. She is an Iron Butterfly and I was confident this might work.