How to Fight Fair (Newlyweds)

Finding the right words can sometimes save a new couple from serious communication strain. Learning to “fight fair” during the first year of marriage can make for a healthy and progressive future arguing pattern.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

1. Avoid Kitchen Sink Fights
   It is easy to turn a small disagreement into a much more drawn out argument. When your spouse forgets to pay a bill on time, again, don’t remind him/her of the twelve other times it has happened that year.
   Take marital spats one by one – stay focused on the problem at hand and don’t veer into other directions, like past arguments and events that have nothing to do with the current situation. By not overloading the conversation with various issues, it is easier to find a simple solution to the disagreement.
2. Keep Others Out of Arguments
   It may be tempting to tell your mother, best friend, or work colleague about the huge blow up you had with your spouse the night before, but it is usually wise to keep the majority of marital conflicts between each other.
   Though it feels good to let off steam with a sympathizing friend, chances are you will forget about your squabble in a day or two. Your friend, however, may not be so forgiving – especially if he/she is privy to most of your arguments.
3. Never Go to Bed Mad – or at Least without Calling it a Draw
   That age-old adage is true to a certain degree – there is nothing worse than ending the day by fighting with a spouse. It is true that some conflicts cannot be solved quickly, but couples can make a habit of calling a truce if they know the argument is going to move into day two.
   Couples can learn to focus on other, less intense, things around the home before bedtime – and as hard as it seems to believe, most conflicts look a lot clearer in the morning.
4. Don’t Play the Blame Game
   It is easy to blame your spouse for things like a dirty kitchen or high credit card bills – but the truth about marriage is that 99 percent of things that happen are a two way street, or at least one street and a turn lane.
   When having an argument, never use destructive phrases like “It’s your fault that…” and “You really messed up when you…” Instead of wasting energy finding fault, focus on solutions to the problem. Use constructive, non-disparaging phrases like, “Can we talk about a problem we are having…” or “Maybe we can fix this by….”
5. Pick Your Battles Wisely
   Next time there are smelly, rolled-up socks in the couch cushions, think about whether that merits grounds for World War III. Instead of blowing up because of a minor inconvenience, an honest mistake or pure forgetfulness, conclude whether or not grumbling will cause more harm than good.
   Sometimes in order to get a spouse to really listen to an important issue – it’s best not to make an issue out of everything. Save the big arguments for things that will directly affect the marriage, home and future.

Tips & Warnings

• Copyright 2007 Amber Dillon-Bramlett