How to Forgive an Abuser After Childhood Abuse

People who have been abused as children often balk at the thought of forgiving their abusers. Few abusers, if any, deserve forgiveness. However, every abuse survivor deserves to be freed from her past. Forgiveness is the key to letting go of the past and embracing a brighter future. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not your abuser. You do not even need your abuser's participation in the process because forgiveness is about you, not him. Here is how you can forgive your abuser.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Strong desire to heal
• Patience

1. Recognize the cost of staying bitter. You fuel your bitterness by thinking about your abuser and the ways he damaged your life. This keeps your focus on your past rather than on your present. Staying bitter keeps you mentally connected with a person you do not want in your life.

2. Decide that you want to heal. Ask yourself if you are ready to do what it takes to sever this connection with your abuser so you can free yourself from your past.

3. Choose to think about positive things. Each time your abuser crosses your mind, choose to think about something that makes you happy instead. Choose to channel your mental energy toward something that brings you joy rather than sorrow.

4. Process painful emotions as they arise. You do not have to ignore your pain to forgive. Keep your focus on healing your pain instead of on hating your abuser.

5. Become indifferent to your abuser. As you stop investing mental energy in hating your abuser, you will find yourself becoming indifferent to him. While most people think of hate as the opposite of love, the true opposite is indifference.

Tips & Warnings

• If the term "forgiveness" is a stumbling block, think of the process as letting go of the bitterness.
• Forgiveness is not a one-time choice but a series of choices that redirects your focus away from the past.
• Forgiveness is not the same thing as a pardon. If the other person had not harmed you, there would be no need to forgive.
• Reconciliation is not required to forgive. Your abuser does not even need to know that you have chosen to let go of your bitterness.
• Finding a qualified therapist with experience in counseling people with your abuse history is an important part of healing from childhood abuse. Your therapist can help you work through the process of forgiving your abuser.

[wendys-msw]

on 10/1/2009 I can only see part of MyTree's response, but I also agree with her. My initial path to forgiveness began with pity. I pity my abusers because their lives are so pathetic that they have to wield their power over a child. I take pity to a lesser degree that they were probably abused as children. I find that a harder place to go for men than I do for women. And I don't really know why that is ....

[shasha10]

on 4/11/2009 Thanks, harboring any type of hatred towards another is extremely toxic and detructive. Great article 5*

[terrifictrish]

on 1/28/2009 Yeah, the truth is that we are bigger than any words, actions, degradation, hurtful intention or false constructed realities imposed upon us. We are bigger and once we each realize that and rise above it and feel and learn then we can release it all and heal. Life is beautiful.

[psychonurse]

on 12/18/2008 Were it only so easily possible to forgive and forget that one's childhood has been stolen!

[timetoski]

on 8/23/2008 MyTree is right. Unfortunately, there is no magic wand for forgiveness, it truly is a process, sometimes a life long one. C.S. Lewis said it was on his deathbed that he truly totally forgave someone he had been trying to forgive all his life. A great analogy I heard was "forgiving is a lot like packaging an octopus. Just when you get most of it wrapped, another part pops out"