How to always have something to say

We all face times in life when you are too tired, too confused, or just too annoyed to know what to say to whoever happens to be bothering you at the moment. At this point, several things can happen: you can snap, you can grumble, or you can walk away quietly and kick yourself when you think of a response two hours later. BUT WAIT! There is another way! Memorize this handy list of phrases, and you will never be at a loss for a response to an awkward comment ever again. I promise.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• A memory decent enough to hold five or six simple phrases, and the quickness to throw them in to conversation.

1. Peruse the following list of phrases, carefully pondering their means, applications, suggested uses and warnings.
2. Read these:
   1. I'm not worried about it.
   Proper usage:
   Other person:You ate the last popsicle!
   You: I'm not worried about it.
   
   2. I don't even know what that means.
   Proper usage:
   Other person: Can you get me the milk?
   You: I don't even know what that means
   
   3. I tied my shoes together and fell down three times (best said in a Ralph Wiggumish voice)
   Proper usage: best used after a long story that you have no response to, and in truth weren't even listening to because a spider started to drop from the ceiling, or something equally distracting happened. Normally causes the story teller to get thrown off long enough for you to make an escape.
   
   4. I'm not going to criticize you, because I think you're an innovator.
   Proper usage: Best said when someone does something stupid. Makes you look suave, slick, and understanding. Someone raised the question of what to do if the person doesn't know what an innovator is. The correct response to any question as to the meaning of the word "innovator" is to say "exactly" and walk away confidently.
   
   5. And do you like cheese?
   Proper usage: best used when someone asks you an uncomfortable question. The innovator on this phrase was my nine year old cousin, when asked what she would do if asked to betray Jesus. She said she would change the the subject and ask this question instead.
3. Apply these phrases in every day life. Guaranteed to ease the burden of dealing with people considerably.

Tips & Warnings

• It helps to associate each one with a finger or thumb, of which there are 5 conveniently located on each hand.
• There is a sixth phrase that the council could not agree upon in a very gnostic gospel sort of way, which I shall list here for posterity: 6. I play guitar. proper usage: only to be said by someone who does not actually play guitar. Best to say when someone says something that goes over your head such as "my major is biomedical engineering and I want to do research in to biological warfare weaponry making and cures." you merely say "I play guitar". The only way most people will respond to this is to say "oh, you do?" somewhat miffed that you changed the subject. You then reply, truthfully, "no.". This pretty much guarentees the conversation will end. I don't know what to say if you don't play guitar. Sorry.