How to Stop Drinking Alcohol to Excess

In order to stop drinking alcohol to excess, you first must start.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• 3 shot glasses
• One bottle of sloe gin
• One bottle of peach schnapps
• One bottle of peppermint schnapps
• One case of beer
• 3 or 4 packs of non-filtered cigarettes
• An empty stomach
• A telephone
• Eggs
• A television

1. Light up a cigarette. If you're a non-smoker, be sure to inhale.
2. Open a beer and guzzle at least half of it.
3. Open the sloe gin and schnapps bottles and drink one shot of each.
4. Repeat steps 1 through 3 until you're good and drunk.
5. Make numerous phone calls to friends, family and business associates. The more time zones the better. This is known as "dialing while drunk" and will help to increase your humiliation the following day. Be sure to place at least one call each to a former lover and to your mother.
6. Continue repeating steps 1 through 5 until you pass out or vomit.
7. Continue to drink if you vomit but haven't passed out yet.
8. Sleep on the bathroom floor. (Have someone lead you there if you can’t make it yourself.)
9. Upon “coming to,” eat five or six “sunny side up” eggs and wash them down with a large glass of warm, soapy water. This will help increase your nausea.
10. Smoke a cigarette if you have any left.
11. Try piecing together the previous night's events, particularly the phone calls you made. This should cause intense feelings of humiliation, guilt and self-loathing.
12. Answer your phone if anyone calls, especially if it's from someone you called during your drunken escapade. What they have to tell you will almost certainly make you feel worse than you already do.
13. Call your mother if she hasn't called yet.
14. Watch a 24-hour cable news channel or other programming that you find depressing or irritating. A “The View” marathon or one of the religion channels are often very effective.

Tips & Warnings

• Don’t forget that your goal is to have the most miserable hangover possible. Take nothing to relieve it, such as aspirin or the “hair of the dog that bit you” cure.
• Smoke as many cigarettes as you can. This helps dehydrate your body and adds to the rotten taste in your mouth.
• Play loud music while you’re drinking, and don’t be afraid to dance wildly as this will help to ensure that, in addition to your hangover, your muscles will be sore. You might end up with painful cuts, bumps and bruises as well. Also, the louder the music, the worse your headache will be the following morning.
• Have as much fun drinking as possible--you'll pay for it later.
• Have someone make periodic visits to the bathroom to ensure you are sleeping on your stomach so you don’t choke on your vomit.
• If these steps don’t cause you to stop drinking to excess, try Alcoholics Anonymous.
• Avoid acute alcohol poisoning as it can be fatal.