How to Avoid Being a Rapist

The act of rape has nothing to do with the survivor and everything to do with the actions and decisions of the rapist. Yet we live in a culture where ‘preventing rape’ is the responsibility of the survivor, not the potential rapist. This culture transfers to the courtroom putting the victim on trial—from her/his sexual history to her/his clothing habits. This not only emphasizes the shame of the rape and makes a conviction of a rapist less likely; it also discourages reporting of an already severely underreported crime. There is a lot of education telling potential victims, what to do to ‘lower risks’: how to walk, how to dress, whom to trust, and what and when to drink alcohol. The reality is that two-thirds of rape survivors know their rapist—from friends, to lovers, to spouses, to family members—all people whom they trust. There is very little focus on the potential rapist.

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Ability to ask questions
• Respect

1. Educate yourself about rape and the victims of rape. This is available on the Internet as well as pamphlets, brochures, and trainings from rape crisis centers.

2. If a person you are with expresses clearly, that she/he does NOT want sex, respect that and stop whatever your actions may be. It does not matter how well you may know the person or what relationship you may have with the person. This expression can be verbal and/or non-verbal. For example, if the person attempts to shove you off her/himself, this is a fairly clear sign that she/he wants to stop.

3. If you are in a situation where you want sex with a person you do not know very well, such as on a date, ask before you act. Do not wait for the other person to stop you after you have already started the process. There is no situation where sex is unquestionably expected. Even if you are paying specifically for sexual services, a person still has the right to say no.

4. Learn to read and become aware of uncomfortable body language. Ask questions. Ask if your actions are still okay. As frustrating as it may be, a person also has the right to change her/his mind.

5. If you think someone is leading you on, let that person know that her/his behavior is confusing and take this opportunity to ask directly about sex. Remember, a person still has the right to change her/his mind at any point.

6. If you are sober enough to see that another person is more intoxicated than you, do not have sex with that her/him! Even if that person is throwing her/himself at you. You do not want to wake up facing any regrets—hers/his or yours. If you are too drunk to gauge if another person is sober enough to be aware of a sexual situation, then you are too drunk to have sex.

7. Educate your friends and other people about good communication skills in a sexual situation. Even if it is only in your own life or among your circle of friends start the culture change towards a focus on avoiding committing the crime, instead of trying to avoid the crime from happening to you.

Tips & Warnings

• Sex is about mutual pleasure
• Rape is about unsolicited power and control. This excludes respectful power and control situation that you and your lover have established ahead of time, complete with ‘safe’ words.
• Think about it: Why would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you?
• Repeated indecisive behavior can be very frustrating. If you have problems with a person’s repeatedly frustrating, playing-hard-to-get attitude, get out of the situation and get out of the relationship if any exists. Find someone who wants to be with you in the same way you want to be with her/him.

Resources

• Men Can Stop Rape
• Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network

[Wildscribe]

on 12/3/2007 I never would have thought about it from this angle.

[debbthebee]

on 11/18/2007 This is an excellent article that can be boiled down to two words for men and women: COMMON SENSE!