How to Think of a Clever Insult

It is easy to fall back on the insult du jour, the one all of your friends are using, until it feels trite and a little gauche. An effective insult is fresh and witty and even humorous, so here are some formulas for an insult no on will forget.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

1. Use this formula: swear word+common noun+funny ending=hilarity
   
   The result: ass crumpetry, bitch llamatude. You can also skip the
   second part of the formula and just pair swear words with endings:
   wankerator, cooterlogism, etc.

2. For an more erudite insult try taking common latin phrases
   and strategically inserting a swear word. For example: in poopias res, carpe cooter.

3. Take things a step too far. Instead of saying, "I'll make you bleed like a stuck pig." Say, "I'll make you bleed like a stuck hemophiliac pig on blood thinners." Other examples: "I'll punch you into the future. Then go back to the future and arrange it so your mom marries Biff!"
   "You are going to reap what you sowed and then it will sit in your barn for a long time and you won't be able to sell it because the price of jerk has gone so low that in order to feed your family you will eventually have to live off of jerk-subsidies. But it won't be enough and soon you will have to sell the farm to a company that will turn it into a corporate hog farm.Jerk."

4. Be MacGyvering wordsmith by pairing unlikely and often benign objects and threatening to destroy the person with them. For example: "I can destroy you with a paper airplane and chapstick."

5. Take a point of pride for the person (like where they went to school or their "brilliant" kid) and twist it into a derogatory term/phrase. So you can say, "Where'd you go to school? Col-DUMB-ia? Not-so Hard-vard?" Or "You kid must jack cars at a sixth-grade level."

Tips & Warnings

• Remember, swear words are the linguistic crutch of the inarticulate. So, be creative. Don't rely on swears to get your point across.
• You may lose friends and alienate people.