How to Dispose of a Dead Body

Whether it was murder or an accident, someone is dead. So what do you do? Disposing of a corpse isn't brain surgery. All it takes is some planning and a strong stomach. But beware. Most of these suggestions have been used, so CSI is likely to catch on.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

1. Dump the corpse in the woods. If your dead guy is large and in charge, you may need to chop him down to size (see Step 5) before taking him for a ride. Otherwise, keep your trunk nice and tidy by placing the deceased in a tarp then rolling him like a blunt.
2. Bury the body in your back yard. Unless you or the neighbors have a dog, this may be the easiest alternative. If your neighbor asks what the hell you're doing, tell her the ****ter's sprung a leak and that she should stay away to avoid any harmful fumes.
3. Put the body under your floor boards. You'll really need to cover the stench before pulling this one off. Try some finely scented candles or plug in fresheners to mask the smell of death. In addition, be aware of the dead guy's spirit who may show up during those midnight Scooby snacks.
4. Barbecue the dude. If you have a friend who works at a crematorium, tell him you have some "stuff" you need to get rid of in a hurry. Hopefully, a few beers and some jerky will be enough to keep him quiet. Otherwise, you'll have to throw him in the oven as well.
5. Cut the body up into itty, bitty pieces. Get a big knife, hacksaw, axe and hammer and go to town. Use your tub to catch all the goodies and please try to keep things quiet while the family sleeps.
6. Mulch it. Cut the corpse up (Step 5) then get yourself an industrial sized chipper. Spread out a nice big tarp (to catch the innards) and begin to grind it into fish food. Be sure you're in a nice secluded place where you won't be noticed and can enjoy the beautiful wildlife.